And my backup pair has, inexplicably, a camouflage design.

Why do I have camouflage reading glasses? I don’t remember buying them. Am I supposed to be reading comics and writing bad poetry in the jungle? Am I the “nerd warfare” member of the G.I. Joe team? (Because “Knowing is half the battle?”) Somebody make a pasty-white, awkward action figure for me.

Frankly, I blame you people for this.