Why did biology class never teach us to interpret the weird sounds our bodies would start making at around age 52? Instead it was all about the pistils and the stamens and the mitochondria and the cell division.

I swear to you, something in my left flank just made a noise like half a whippoorwill call — but with a wistful timbre to it.

If I call my doctor tomorrow and ask him about wistful-whippoorwill-kidney, he’s going to dump me as a patient. Because he’s put up with a lot of shit up until now.