Some people want to climb Everest. Some people want to sail around the world.
I’d love to be able to eat food without dripping it down the length of my white t-shirt like a goddamned jackass.
I should probably just stop buying white t-shirts.
Anyway, when I posted this on Facebook, the platform actually asked to help me raise money to figure this out. Seriously. Thanks, Facebook.
Thanks, Amazon, but I honestly didn’t mean to order my belt from goddamned Munchkinland.
Who was this designed for? A ventriloquist dummy?
Did they pass along my order to the Build-A-Bear Workshop?
Going over my monthly budget. Yeesh.
When it rains, it poors.
“Because everyone deserves a second shot.” Coming soon to a theater near you.
If I understand the science correctly, this makes me immune to criticism. You people make a note of it.
I’m half vaccinated —
but fully caffeinated!
My vax card’s laminated
while my wit is adulated!
My laptop’s activated
with a WIP that’s paginated —
so if you’re not aggravated
by verses fabricated,
I hope you’re acclimated
to being fascinated!
[Insert scratchy turntable here or something]
I told my best friend yesterday that there was a boa constrictor loose in my house and she TOTALLY BOUGHT IT. So did her kids.
And last year I had her convinced that a family of raccoons had moved into my closet.
I am the April Fool’s joke MASTER; I should be a supervillain named “April Fool.”
Her, after the reveal: “At this point, I hope you get eaten.”
I habitually break my reading glasses by either stepping or sitting on them. So I stocked up on a bunch of cheap pairs at the start of the Covid pandemic, because I am totally not down with any of that “Time Enough At Last” horseshit.
I even fell into the habit of tossing the broken pairs into the same drawer, in hoarder-like fashion. (Am I supposed to repair them someday, maybe? Glasses repair is not really a thing with me.)
Anyway, that drawer has reached the point where I look like a serial killer who bludgeons nerdy, frugal, fashion-blind men over the head and then takes their glasses as trophies — like some pathetic riff on the alien “Predator” (1987).
I need to leave a note in that drawer to exonerate myself to the police — in case I die in my sleep or something.
No, nobody puts a chip in you along with the Covid vaccine — but there’s a side effect where you start to look and sound like Chip Douglas!
Actually … forget it, false alarm. I just remembered that already look and sound like Chip Douglas.
HEY, UNCLE CHARLEY.
Seriously, the side effects from my first dose of the Pfizer vaccine yesterday have been minor. My arm is still sore, and I felt BLECH with fatigue last night — but I woke up this morning back to my usual nerdy self.
