If I write a blog post, check or e-mail and date it 2020, I am not a &^%$ing imbecile who still can’t manage to write the new year correctly.
I have mastered time travel, and I actually am contacting you from the future.
Tag Archives: humor
My latest culinary masterpiece — the Cheesy Carpetbagger.
I thought that The Cheese Bukowski was the best burger I ever invented, but The Cheesy Carpetbagger just might be my true piece de resistance.
You just fry melted provolone over the burger itself, and colby jack cheese over a slice of honey ham beside it in the pan. Then serve on toast, maybe with a cheesy one-liner. Teach these Southerners how we do it in New York.
*I* might be a goddam advanced android.
I told Brent Spiner on Twitter that I hope he endorses a presidential candidate, because I want to vote for someone whose positions are supported by Data.
And NOBODY laughed. WHY can’t people understand how BRILLIANT I am?
This picture of tonight’s lunar eclipse is kinda terrible.
You probably should have gone outside and viewed it yourself, if you didn’t.
It was also a … Super Blood Wolf Moon, which I am sure is significant somehow. I could Google it, but it is so damned cold outside that my fingers are partially frozen, and I can hardly type this blog post.
It actually was vaguely creepy to watch; it’s easy to see why medieval folks would have freaked out about this if they didn’t know the cause.
Somebody needs to name their band “Super Blood Wolf Moon.” (Maybe I could talk those Skybald chaps into renaming themselves.) Or a child. A child would be even better.
Have you heard of the new “Trump Combo” at Burger King?
It’s a hamberder, a cup of covfefe (served smocking hot), and a side of lies.
(You could also substitute orange soda for the drink, if you want.)
[Update: a couple of clever pals of mine on Facebook suggested that we should also include word salad and Cheetos. ]
What is the Night King’s favorite movie thriller? “Wight Bird in a Blizzard.”
[THIS POST CONTAINS *MAJOR* SPOILERS FOR “GAME OF THRONES.”]
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That terrifying moment when you realize that the Night King has air superiority, and can probably convert it to naval superiority …
What if he flies over the ocean and “converts” the entire Golden Company as they’re enroute to Westeros from Essos? That way the army of the dead can attack from the south with a navy, in addition to attacking from the north. Things were easier when he couldn’t just fly anywhere and augment his forces wherever he wanted, right?
If the Night King DOESN’T follow this (apparently most logical) strategy, and attack from two fronts, would it be a plot hole?
I at first wondered if maybe the Night King needed to be near his wights in order to animate them. But … the captured wight in Season 7 was alllll the way down in King’s Landing when our heroes showed it to Cersei, while the Night King and the white walkers hadn’t even gotten to the Wall yet. And that wight up and got jiggy with it just fine.
Bear in mind that Dany’s dragons appear capable of flying virtually anywhere in a very short period of time; fans even decried the “plot hole” when the dragons flew so inexplicably quickly from Dragonstone to north of The Wall to rescue Jon Snow’s wight-hunting party. I suppose we could lampshade this by saying that their speed is indeterminate because they’re magical creatures.
And the undead dragon at the end of Season 7 looked like it was moving even faster than a live dragon, right? This was consistent with what we’ve already seen on the show. The wights, animated by magic, often move a lot faster than living humans.
Yeah, you’re right — it’s a laundry day, which is why I’m procrastinating again by sitting here blogging about “Game of Thrones.”
And here is the latest thing that makes me feel old.
What’s with all the people in music videos looking so damn young these days? Did they change the child labor laws?
There was a time when I was daily viewer of MTV (the sedate stuff on VH-1 was for old people), and I rocked hard, people. It seemed to me that whenever I watched a video, I saw people who were my own age.
Now these videos are inhabited only by people who look young enough to be my kids. And that makes sense, because … they kinda are young enough. (Yes, I realize the video below for The Calling’s “Wherever You Will Go” was made 18 years ago, but that’s beside the point.) If the performers in a video today were in their very early 20’s, then they’d be about the right age, if I’d fathered kids when I was 26.
Furthermore, some astute commentators pointed out online Monday night that 2019 is the year in which the original “Blade Runner” (1982) was set. The opening title card names “November, 2019” as the time when all things Fordesque turn angsty and existential and killer-androidy. Am I … older than Harrison Ford’s character? I am six years older than Ford was when he made the film.
Now I just feel weird. Why do I write these blog posts, anyway?
[Update: Today I am learning that “Akira” (1988) and “The Running Man” (1987) also set their stories in 2019?! That’s ironic, given that the future we’ve come closest to is that of 2006’s “Idiocracy.”
I wonder how people in our parents’ generation felt when 2001 arrived, if they’d happened to see “2001: A Space Odyssey” in theaters in 1968.]
Have a Happy New Year’s Eve!!!
Have fun! Be safe! Enjoy!
Make sure you have a designated driver! Or, better yet … why not be the designated driver? What better way to spend the first hours of 2019 than as a hero to the people around you (maybe not the hero that Gotham deserves, but the hero it needs right now)?
I’m not sure how I’ve gotten to become such a mother hen in my old age … Maybe it’s because, in my younger days, I was the one who needed mother henning.
Whatever, just don’t wind up like Gatsby, floating face down in the pool at the end of the night. (But go ahead and totally be him up until that point.)
Postscript — the quote below, which I rather like, doesn’t appear in F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby” or its 2013 film treatment with Leonardo DiCaprio. I’m told that the line actually originates from “Sex and the City” (1998 – 2004).
(VERY hollow.)
Today’s agenda — help my fellow Greeks breach Troy’s defenses by constructing a vast, hollow wooden replica of my head and having them hide within it.
CALL IT THE TROJAN DORK.
Why did they call it “The Trojan Horse?”
Why not “The Greek Horse?” The Greeks constructed it. Suppose you have an artist friend in Greece, and he or she mails a traditional Hellenic sculpture to you here in America (and hopefully with nothing all cunning and stabby and murdery inside of it). You wouldn’t call it an American sculpture. It would be a Greek sculpture, right?
“Troy” is a masculine name. But does it ever occur to guys named “Troy” that they were named for an archetypal conquered city?
Why is “Trojan” a desirable brand name for a condom? A small group of Greeks penetrated their city’s defenses with regrettable surprise consequences.
This is the $#/+ I think about when I wake up at 2:35 am and can’t get back to sleep. I swear I can’t turn it off.
Then Credence Clearwater Revival starts playing in my head and things get worse from there.
