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My slightly disappointed review of “The X Files” Season 1.

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I am blogging my past TV reviews from Facebook; this was my surprisingly unenthusiastic reaction to “The X Files” Season 1.  Yes, this review is dated, as it makes no mention of the show’s impending return.  (Hooray.)

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I love ‘The X Files.” And I mean I REALLY love “The X Files.” It’s possibly my favorite television show of all time, running neck and neck with shows like “24,” Battlestar Galactica” and “Mystery Science Theater 3000.” So I was very surprised at my own disappointment when, via Netflix, I was able to watch Season 1 in its entirety for the first time. Taken together, I think its 24 episodes deserve a 5 out 0f 10. And bear in mind – that’s coming from a diehard fan.

I first fell in love with this show as its fourth or fifth season was currently airing. This was long before Netflix streaming, and I’m pretty sure it was before DVD’s were even a thing. (I’m old.) What few episodes I’d seen of Season 1 were from syndication and purchased VHS tapes. So I’ve been proclaiming my love for the show (which had a nine-year run) for years without ever having seen much of the early seasons.

Some great TV shows can get off to a rough start. “The Simpsons,” “MST3K” and even “Family Guy” were less than stellar when they first began. Shows like “24” and “Star Trek: The Next Generation” were good, but got much better. “The X Files” was surprisingly average.

The first nine episodes were, frankly, poor. There was little of the suspense, mystery and characterization that would eventually make the show great, with Mulder and Scully being flat, and even annoying characters that were thinly scripted and awkwardly played by David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson. Duchovny, early on, was just bad. His wooden line delivery made him seem like a Fox Network intern who was standing in for a sick professional actor. Anderson was better, but could only do so much with the clunky and simplistic dialogue.

Episodes like “Ghost in the Machine” and “Ice” seem clearly like ripoffs of sci-fi classics (“2001: A Space Odyssey” and John Carpenter’s “The Thing,” respectively), though “Ice” still manages to be fun. One episode, “Space,” was so boring that it was painful to watch. “Squeeze,” which is a favorite for many longtime fans, was good, but even it hasn’t aged all that well. I’m surprised the show lasted.

As mysteries or police thrillers, these early episodes also failed. Eager witnesses cheerfully and conveniently present themselves early on to volunteer clues and exposition. The underlying reveals seemed like elements thrown together with little exposition. And Duchovny looks like he’d never held a gun in his life. (I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to wave it around like that.) I can’t remember the episode but, at one point, Mulder (a supposedly brilliant Oxford-trained criminal psychologist) actually confuses schizophrenia with MPD (multiple personality disorder). Sigh.

Then there was a shift in tone and quality. “Eve” is one of the all-time greats. (And it was here where the dark themes and complex overarching plotlines were truly established that would later define the show.) “Beyond The Sea” saw Anderson shine, along with the writers and directors. It was simply fantastic … even unforgettable (thanks in no small part to amazing guest actor Brad Dourif).

“Darkness Falls” and “Born Again” established their creators’ abilities to make great standalone, scary mysteries. Duchovny just seemed to … get better. He settled into the role, became more natural, and the writers seemed to begin giving Mulder the endearing quirks and idiosyncrasies that eventually grew him into an attractive, three-dimensional character that so many people would grow to love.

And the final episode, “The Erlenmeyer Flask,” clinched it. Here the show seemed to reach the greatness that I remember, with a great story with humor, pathos, creepiness, tension and seemingly plausible twists and mysteries. It was wonderful, and a great precursor of the greatness we would see in later seasons.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the show. And Season 1 was really more average than flat out bad. I’m just saying that the first season compares poorly with what longtime fans remember from the next eight years.

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20 things I’ve learned traveling in Virginia.

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1)  “Cosi.”  They ought to call it COSTLY.

2)  Ballston, Virginia.  Toughest town name ever?

3)  I need to finally exorcise this misconception that the buses in Virginia should be different colors.  ALL THE BUSES ARE THE SAME COLOR.  I arrived at this much needed conclusion last night, after great deliberation and help from friends.

4)  Women on the bus smile at me.  (I got game.)

5)  I habitually carry a pen and open notebook on long trips, because I am trying to be that writer guy.  But if you carry those into a deli run by recent immigrants, they freak ought because they think you’re a health inspector.  Language barriers complicate matters further and raise anxiety for all parties concerned.  Inexplicably, saying “I’M NOT A NARC!” in a frustrated New York accent clears everything right up.

6)  In Virginia, the subway is called “The Metro.”

7)  Due to uniform design and construction, Metro stations mostly look alike.  That’s why every stop looks like the climactic scene of the awesome, totally sweet, criminally underrated “The Jackal” (1998) with Bruce Willis.

8)  “The Metro” is also the name of the bar in “The Crying Game” (1992).  This film is about much MORE than its infamous central plot twist, and boasts an amazing, heartbreaking performance by Stephen Rea.  Rea is actually FROM Belfast, Ireland.  (Okay, some of this is getting off topic.)

9)  Stop thinking about movies so much when you’re on the Metro platform.  Or about bacon-egg-and-cheese sandwiches.  Or about how they almost ripped you off at “Cosi.”  Or The Avengers.  Or Zooey Deschanel.  You could miss your train.

10)  There is no need to freak out like last time when I don’t have exact change for the bus.  If I just round it up to the next dollar, it’s fine.

11)  I don’t know what the term “metrosexual” means.  It is not, however, Virginia commuters’ equivalent of “The Mile High Club.”  Or, at least, I’ve seen no evidence to suggest this so far.

12)  If you travel past The Pentagon, you can see Ospreys!!  I saw two of them flying in formation!!!  I’m not talking about the birds — I’m talking about the military aircraft — totally sweet, bad-ass hybrids of planes and helicopters with twin rotors attached to their “wings.”  If you’re a 12-year-old boy at heart, this makes your day.

13) There is an occasional dearth of crosswalks along Virginia highways.  I almost got killed running across the highway to MacDonalds.  (I should get a free Dr. Pepper when that happens.)

14)  Do any of you guys think that there is the slimmest possibility that Zooey Deschanel would go out with me?  I know I don’t have as much going for me as those Hollywood guys.  But this is the Internet age, and I could probably figure out a way to contact her directly , being both a former investigative reporter and a borderline sociopath.  Plus, my poetry is online, and sometimes women respond really favorably to that.  Advise via e-mail, please.

15)  As in New York, random strangers will sometimes stare at me for a moment or two.  As in New York, I’m pretty sure it is because people think I look like James Woods.

16)  Just to make sure, I need to stop talking to myself in public.

17)  Public transportation employees in the Commonwealth of Virginia are … about a thousand times more polite than their counterparts in New York.  OMNIRIDE, I ADMIRE YOUR DEPORTMENT.

18)  People who look like Borat usually aren’t Borat.

19)  Every time I am at A CERTAIN SINGLE SPOT along Route 1, my cell phone receives a call from a restricted number.  I am not sure if it is an extremely paranoid drug dealer hiding in the woods nearby (who somehow hacked my number), or the National Security Agency.  Frankly, I’m not sure which prospect scares me more.

20)  [In best Fox Mulder voice from “The X Files” episode “731.”]  “You know, Scully, it’s true what they say.  You haven’t seen America until you’ve seen it from a train.”

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“Audrey Pauley.”

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Partially redeeming an otherwise weak ninth season of “The X Files.”

THANK YOU.

We’ll forgive its reliance on a standard longstanding deus ex machina for the show — the agents encounter a situation in their personal lives that JUST HAPPENS to involve the same kind of paranormal threats they are charged with investigating.

And dear LORD, Doggett, kiss Monica already.

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You know you’re an “X-Files” fan when …

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… you see an oil puddle under a leaking car, and your first thought is “PIPER MARU.”

Yeah, my mind went right to the classic episode, and not even to the (quite decent) feature film that also employed the black oil as a central plot device.  Because a possessed Alex Krycek is somehow even a cooler and creepier story element than a world-ending viral vehicle.

Coincidentally enough, my pal Pete tells me that today is the 21st anniversary of the first episode.

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