Tag Archives: James Woods

A friend of mine wrote me a “Twilight Zone” intro and I love it.

His name is J. Sebastian Cunningham and he is a damn fine satirist.  This still cracks me up every time I read it.  (The James Woods reference is a nod to my resemblance to the actor.)  Thanks again, J.

What was old is now new again.

Enter a complex yet unassuming man.  One, well versed in word, both written and spoken.  A man followed modestly by a people hungry for prose.  A man that didn’t disappoint.  Enter the writer’s mind, if you will, into the dark recesses of a James Woodian insanity that no Shakespearean play could duplicate, let alone imitate.  Enter the mind of greatness and madness. Enter a mind living in…

The Twilight Zone.

 

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Wide-eyed guy at the mall: “Are you an actor?”

Me: “No.”

“But you look like one!”  [He’s been staring at me with his mouth agape for at least seven minutes.]

Me: “James Woods.”

“Is he on TV?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

“Who?”

Me: “James Woods.”

Clerk at counter (joking): “Ohhhhh, Mr. Woods.  So nice of you to visit us today.  Don’t worry — we won’t tell anyone your secret.”

At this point in my life, I’d be disappointed if this didn’t happen at least once every couple of months.

 

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That girl WAS Debbie Harry, right?

If everybody could stop Facebooking and blogging about “Videodrome” (1983), that’d be just fine.

I will never understand this movie.  It has been described as “postmodern,” and that is a word I cannot understand, despite looking it up and having friends explain it to me.  (Seriously.  And that somehow makes the intellectual emasculation I feel by “Videodrome” even worse.)

I still insist that this “classic” is unpleasant and incomprehensible.  The following is all that I can glean:

1)  There are televisions.  The televisions are bad.

2)  People join a cult or something.

3)  James Woods loses his everlovin’ MIND, and starts shouting … political tirades?  He … wants to start a revolution?  But whose side is he on?  IS HE FOR OR AGAINST THE TELEVISIONS?

4)  This movie makes VHS tapes more disturbing than, say … the “VHS” horror movies.

5)  Debbie Harry is in there somewhere.  Debbie, what’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?  Sing me “Rapture,” Debbie.

6)  That girl WAS Debbie Harry, right?

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Okay — maybe the Julianne Moore joke has gone far enough …

I see that the photo of “me” and Julianne Moore that I blogged a couple of days ago has gotten a record number of hits, and 56 Facebook shares.  I need to come clean that it was intended as just a silly hoax.

I have never met Julianne Moore; the man shown is renowned actor James Woods.  It’s been a running joke among a lot of people that I look like Woods — I have been hearing it since I was 16 years old.  My buddy Pete Harrison sent the picture to me as a gag.

Nor did Moore visit Washington, DC this past weekend as part of her charity efforts, as far as I am aware.  The Facebook comments I made about her kissing me on the cheek and telling me I was “a special guy?”  Pure fiction.  Her press office contacting me the next day because she wanted to stay in touch?  Also fiction.  Finally, I extemporized about her hair carrying the scent of strawberries and lavender, but … somehow … I just KNOW that part is actually true.

I love it when people are kind enough to share my blog posts — I’m really sorry if anyone passed this along unaware that it was a joke!  🙂

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20 things I’ve learned traveling in Virginia.

1)  “Cosi.”  They ought to call it COSTLY.

2)  Ballston, Virginia.  Toughest town name ever?

3)  I need to finally exorcise this misconception that the buses in Virginia should be different colors.  ALL THE BUSES ARE THE SAME COLOR.  I arrived at this much needed conclusion last night, after great deliberation and help from friends.

4)  Women on the bus smile at me.  (I got game.)

5)  I habitually carry a pen and open notebook on long trips, because I am trying to be that writer guy.  But if you carry those into a deli run by recent immigrants, they freak ought because they think you’re a health inspector.  Language barriers complicate matters further and raise anxiety for all parties concerned.  Inexplicably, saying “I’M NOT A NARC!” in a frustrated New York accent clears everything right up.

6)  In Virginia, the subway is called “The Metro.”

7)  Due to uniform design and construction, Metro stations mostly look alike.  That’s why every stop looks like the climactic scene of the awesome, totally sweet, criminally underrated “The Jackal” (1998) with Bruce Willis.

8)  “The Metro” is also the name of the bar in “The Crying Game” (1992).  This film is about much MORE than its infamous central plot twist, and boasts an amazing, heartbreaking performance by Stephen Rea.  Rea is actually FROM Belfast, Ireland.  (Okay, some of this is getting off topic.)

9)  Stop thinking about movies so much when you’re on the Metro platform.  Or about bacon-egg-and-cheese sandwiches.  Or about how they almost ripped you off at “Cosi.”  Or The Avengers.  Or Zooey Deschanel.  You could miss your train.

10)  There is no need to freak out like last time when I don’t have exact change for the bus.  If I just round it up to the next dollar, it’s fine.

11)  I don’t know what the term “metrosexual” means.  It is not, however, Virginia commuters’ equivalent of “The Mile High Club.”  Or, at least, I’ve seen no evidence to suggest this so far.

12)  If you travel past The Pentagon, you can see Ospreys!!  I saw two of them flying in formation!!!  I’m not talking about the birds — I’m talking about the military aircraft — totally sweet, bad-ass hybrids of planes and helicopters with twin rotors attached to their “wings.”  If you’re a 12-year-old boy at heart, this makes your day.

13) There is an occasional dearth of crosswalks along Virginia highways.  I almost got killed running across the highway to MacDonalds.  (I should get a free Dr. Pepper when that happens.)

14)  Do any of you guys think that there is the slimmest possibility that Zooey Deschanel would go out with me?  I know I don’t have as much going for me as those Hollywood guys.  But this is the Internet age, and I could probably figure out a way to contact her directly , being both a former investigative reporter and a borderline sociopath.  Plus, my poetry is online, and sometimes women respond really favorably to that.  Advise via e-mail, please.

15)  As in New York, random strangers will sometimes stare at me for a moment or two.  As in New York, I’m pretty sure it is because people think I look like James Woods.

16)  Just to make sure, I need to stop talking to myself in public.

17)  Public transportation employees in the Commonwealth of Virginia are … about a thousand times more polite than their counterparts in New York.  OMNIRIDE, I ADMIRE YOUR DEPORTMENT.

18)  People who look like Borat usually aren’t Borat.

19)  Every time I am at A CERTAIN SINGLE SPOT along Route 1, my cell phone receives a call from a restricted number.  I am not sure if it is an extremely paranoid drug dealer hiding in the woods nearby (who somehow hacked my number), or the National Security Agency.  Frankly, I’m not sure which prospect scares me more.

20)  [In best Fox Mulder voice from “The X Files” episode “731.”]  “You know, Scully, it’s true what they say.  You haven’t seen America until you’ve seen it from a train.”

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