This is “veggie bacon.”  Its ingredients are soy and disappointment.

The package portrayed it as “delicious,” which is precisely the kind of dangerous, calculated lie I’d expect from a jailed serial killer or Craigslist personal ads or the White House Press Secretary.

Alright, maybe I’m being too harsh.  This isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever tasted.  It tastes better than it smells, so there’s that.  (When I was frying it and noting its failure to sizzle, I recoiled from what I can only describe as a vague, radioactive-carrot odor.)

It just doesn’t taste like bacon.  It maybe tastes like processed pork rinds.  Seriously.  They ought to call it “veggie pork rinds.”