Because there is no god, and because life is a stupefying, interminable Kafkaesque nocturnal hellscape.
Hey, I generally love Ben & Jerry’s. It’s an awesome brand. But Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream combines two of the very worst things in the universe — into a new and confusing amalgam of horror. (Anyone who knows me will tell you that I abhor all things pumpkin-flavored. And I’ve harbored a private loathing of cheesecake since college — there’s a weird story behind that.)
So, for me, this is like taking two things that cannot possibly be worse, and yet somehow making them worse via cruel combination. Like maybe a giant spider that also has gonorrhea. Or maybe Donald Trump singing an entire Whitney Houston album.
Remember that fish entree I showed you that looked like “Pumpkinhead?” I would rather eat that than this.
My friend gave me a permission to post this picture only if I said it was delicious. I lied to her.