A pal of mine actually ate this last night.

Because there is no god, and because life is a stupefying, interminable Kafkaesque nocturnal hellscape.

Hey, I generally love Ben & Jerry’s.  It’s an awesome brand.  But Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream combines two of the very worst things in the universe — into a new and confusing amalgam of horror.  (Anyone who knows me will tell you that I abhor all things pumpkin-flavored.  And I’ve harbored a private loathing of cheesecake since college — there’s a weird story behind that.)

So, for me, this is like taking two things that cannot possibly be worse, and yet somehow making them worse via cruel combination.  Like maybe a giant spider that also has gonorrhea.  Or maybe Donald Trump singing an entire Whitney Houston album.

Remember that fish entree I showed you that looked like “Pumpkinhead?”  I would rather eat that than this.

My friend gave me a permission to post this picture only if I said it was delicious.  I lied to her.

 

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This is the e-mail I sent to Justin Trudeau about Trump’s failed bid to purchase Greenland.

I’d like to think that I sent it … Justin time?

*****

Subject: Suggestion that Canada Purchase Greenland to “Troll” Donald Trump

Justin Trudeau
Liberal MP for Papineau (Québec)
1100 Crémazie East
(Main Office)
Suite 220
Montréal QC H2P 2X2
justin.trudeau@parl.gc.ca

Dear Prime Minister Trudeau:

While I could never truly hope for another country to prevail over my own in a diplomatic matter, may I at least point something out to you? If Canada successfully negotiated the purchase of Greenland from Denmark, it would be a sublime example of you “trolling” United States President Donald Trump. (As you are doubtless aware, Prime Minister, Denmark rejected Trump’s offer.)

It would be doubly impressive in terms of trolling the president if you celebrated the deal’s finalization by throwing a massive party on the southwest shore of Greenland — to ostentatiously celebrate Canada’s newest acquisition. I realize, Sir, that the climate there is a bit cold for swimming, but you could still dance on the beach with a group of bikini-clad young women in the same manner as the television program “MTV Beach House.” (I’ve been told here in the United States that many women are prone to fawning over you.)

It would be an even better example of “throwing shade” at President Trump if you made a short speech during this televised beach party, and demonstrated your fluency in a language other than English. Or maybe your … fluency in English. Or maybe a short speech that highlighted your scientific literacy. Or, perhaps, your general literacy. Or your adult-level intelligence. Or your coherence. Or even just your not-fucking-dangerous-insanity. Any remarks in which you surpassed the current American president’s own capabilities would suffice.

Please be sure to invite German Chancellor Angela Merkel. That would obliquely, yet quite assuredly, “dis” him.

I wouldn’t expect you to invite me. I have been reliably informed by my fellow Americans that I am not “cool,” by any conventional modern understanding of the word. I know I am not cool enough to party on a Greenland beach with Justin Trudeau and a group of bikini-clad women.

Yet I am so eager to see such a deal move forward that I am willing to partner with Canada to ensure the event’s success. I volunteer to financially support music for the event that I have described above. If a member of your office will contact me at the number below my signature line, I will cheerfully arrange to send you CD’s for the celebration. Just between us, Prime Minister, I am a bit of a dealmaker myself. I successfully negotiated a deal with a certain “BMG Music Club” several decades ago in which the company agreed to provide me with 12 CD’s for the price of one — and I cleverly multiplied the value of that deal by simply using multiple names in response to their proposed contract. I never fully capitalized on the company’s obligations to my various names, because I moved away from my college dormitory address in 1994. (I simply listed the location as “Justice League America Headquarters.”)

Please consider my suggestion. I wish you the best in your ongoing efforts to preserve the friendship between our two countries.

Kindest regards,

Eric Robert Nolan, United States
ericrnolan@gmail.com
XXX-XXX-XXXX

 

 

 

On Chris Cuomo’s near-altercation today.

I like Chris Cuomo. I think he’s a good man and a good journalist.

And I feel awkward agreeing with anything uttered by that swollen orange cyst in the Oval Office. (It’s due to a Russian infection … an STD from when they f***ed with our electoral process.)

But Cuomo shouldn’t have physically threatened a man who called him a name.  (You can find video of his near-altercation today with a heckler right here.)  I have actually never heard the term “Fredo” employed as a slur against Italian Americans, and I’m from New York. But that’s really beside the point anyway — the severity of the insult isn’t the issue here.

To me, this is a straightforward free speech issue. The nature of the Trump supporter’s act of speech was nonviolent. Whether or not is was obnoxious doesn’t matter.

The threat Cuomo made against his detractor was explicit and credible. He threatened to “throw [him] down these stairs,” which were presumably nearby.

Suppose that I call Donald Trump “Benedict Donald” (the obvious play on “Benedict Arnold” that has been making the rounds on the Internet for a long time now). Or consider me calling him a “swollen orange cyst” above. Should Trump or one of his supporters have the right to threaten to “throw me down the stairs?”

I know it sucks, but those of us who oppose or criticize Trump need to hold ourselves to the same standards to which we subject the other side — that is, if we wish to consider ourselves free speech advocates. I’m just trying to be intellectually honest here. If we support free speech across the board, then we have to support all of it.

On a related note, I see that Sean Hannity defended Cuomo on Twitter, and said “he has zero to apologize for.” This strikes me as particularly gracious gesture on Hannity’s part — crossing the cultural divide to support another journalist. And here I am being a stick in the mud.

All of my admitted emotional biases are confused here.

 

 

Trump tells reporters that what he says to Vladimir Putin at the G20 summit is “none of your business.”

Jesus Christ.  Watch this video.  Did he also imply at the Faith & Freedom Coalition that he was happy John McCain was dead, and suggest that he was in hell?

Am I hearing the president correctly?

Of course it is America’s business what its president says to Putin — especially about Russia’s election meddling.  And especially considering that the president needs to be babysat by people who are less suggestible when sitting down with the former head of the KGB.

Recall, please, what happened when Trump met with Putin at the G20 summit in 2017.  He emerged from his meeting saying they’d discussed a joint “Cyber-Security unit” with Russia.  He then downplayed the idiotic idea after the predictable uproar.

It’s … it’s probably a very good idea if we keep track of what the president plans on doing with Putin, right?  Am I alone here?  Throw me a bone here, people.

A friend of mine just chimed in on Facebook with a point that is far more relevant than mine above:

Don’t you just love when the man who said that he would accept foreign help from adversaries to win an election and met with them multiple times tells us that it’s none of our business what they are discussing?”

 

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(I’m still a cheap date, though.)

Friend:   “What if the president gave us all $20,000 each, would everyone drop their hatred for him? Would money solve the problem?”

Me:   “C’mon. If I could be bought off that easily, I’d be a Republican Senator.”