“Grammer Nazi”

Yes, that headline is deliberately misspelled.  I am trying to coin a new term: “Grammer Nazi.”

A Grammer Nazi is a would-be “Grammar Nazi” who tries to correct your grammar, spelling or punctuation, but actually supplies you with “corrections” that are themselves incorrect.  Sometimes the only thing worse than a pedant is a wannabe-pedant.

Related terms would include “irony,” as well as “that guy you knew 20 years ago who just discovered your blog and now presumes to be your new best friend and co-author.”

Nobody F$%^ with me on the Oxford comma thing.  You bring up the Oxford comma, I bring out the Queens Right Hook.

“Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.”

— Sofia, “Vanilla Sky”

Wolverine does not practice safe sex.

Think about it.  He suffers from chronic nightmares, awakens in a panic attack, and then gets all stabbity-stabbity towards whichever woman happens to be closest to his bed.  We saw this in “The X-Men” (2000), but thankfully Rogue’s plot convenient powers saved her.  No mention is made of this to Mariko in “The Wolverine”  (2013).  Should he be … kinda sorta responsible for informing any women he spends the night with about his sleep disorder?

Anyway, I am blogging my past movie reviews from Facebook.  This was my take on “The Wolverine.”  I didn’t despise this movie the way so many others did, but my response was somewhat tepid for a lifelong fan of the character.

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I understand what the filmmakers were trying to do with “The Wolverine” (2013) – I really do. They were trying to make an X-Men movie with less flash and more substance. And it was a good plan – taking a “gritty” and clichéd dark character and humanizing him with a lot of introspective character study. Which should have been the ingredients for a great movie.

This was an average film, though – I’d give it a 7 out of 10. For one, it was a bit slow and chatty at times for an “X Men” movie. For another, some of the action sequences and villains were just too cheesy. Silver Samurai reminded me constantly of the 1980’s “Voltron” cartoon, and Viper was really just a poor man’s Poison Ivy with unimpressive powers.

This movie does do a really nice job in upgrading an old action movie trope – fighting on the roof of a moving train. That was fun.

Can anyone explain to me how Wolverine got his claws back? How the hell did that happen?!

Also … is he mortal now? That would explain the “older” Wolverine we see in the posters for “X-Men: Days of Future Past.”

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TESTIFY, Sister!!!

TAP THAT ASK.

Everybody.  PLEASE.  This is my formal request to the world to stop using the word “ask” as a noun.  (“I have a new ask.”)  PLEASE only use “ask” as a VERB.  Merriam Webster Dictionary agrees:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ask

The word you are reaching for is “REQUEST.”  (Please see the first paragraph.)  I have no idea why this bothers me so much, but … it DRIVES ME NUTS.  Seriously.  I even think that hearing the mispronounced “axe” is less unsettling.

The “ask-noun” happened all the time in New York, it seems mercifully absent among Virginia’s population.  The ask-noun is still around, however.  (Hint: notice how it rhymes with “ass-clown?”)

It has gained currency in TV-Land.  The latest offender is “The Following” (This season’s episode 13, I think.)

Anyway, if you DO use “ask” as a noun, then just LOOK at the shame and disappointment it has caused poor Kevin Bacon after it was used on his program.

I SAID *LOOK* AT HIM, DAMN YOU.

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“V/H/S: Viral” got a lot of negative reviews. This isn’t one of them.

I’m a little flabbergasted here with the negative critical response to “V/H/S: Viral” (2014).  I thought this was a fantastic little horror anthology flick that redeemed the “V/H/S” franchise from a pretty poor second installment.  (And apparently fans liked that one?)

I’d give this a 9 out of 10.  It certainly isn’t for everybody, with its violence, gore and disturbing content.  (I’m going to repeat that: as with past “V/H/S” films, this has some disturbing content, so beware.)  But it should be a damned scary treat for hardcore horror fans.

This time out, we’ve got three short films linked together by the running “wraparound” film.  (A fourth segment was edited out.)

The first is like a damn good episode of “The X Files.”  The fight with the cops was fantastic, and the special effects were surprisingly good for a “V/H/S” movie.

The second film is a wonderfully creative horror/science fiction tale that plays out like a terrific classic short story.  (Yes, it begins a bit slow, but I think that’s an intentional part of the narrative.)  This segment gets extra points for its unabashed use of some not-so-subtle Freudian body horror.

The third film isn’t perfect, with a thin story and some schlock horror cheesiness.  But it’s still really entertaining, thanks to the teen skateboarder anti-heroes (and their “photographer guy” tagalong) that were scripted perfectly and then performed perfectly by their young actors.  I am still laughing at how one character threatens to “pistol whip” another for interrupting him.  These kids were great.  They’re perfect malcontents at first — then, thanks to a nice flourish in the script involving a homeless person — they’re shown to have more depth than that.  Gimme a full-length feature film starring these brats.  I’m serious.

Finally, the wraparound tale’s finale was brutal and perfect.  And what a great use of classical music!

A few things left me scratching my head:

1)  We learn little about the story’s antagonist in the wraparound tale — exactly who or what is responsible for the speeding ice-cream truck?  I wanted to know more, despite the story’s deliberate ambiguity.

2)  Why does the main character’s girlfriend in the wraparound story enter the truck?

3)  How do people on bicycles manage to keep pace with the speeding truck?  One of them is a bicycle made for a young girl.  They … even outpace the pursuing police cars?

Forget the haters, check this out.

Oh!!  One more thing — if you view this via Netflix, as I did, you’ll find that the entire second segment is in Spanish.  You can fix this just by wiggling Netflix’ captions function at the bottom right.

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“To Touch The Sun” sequel slated for July 31st release!

There’s some great news from Dagda Publishing today for the many (and quite ardent) fans of Laura L. Enright’s terrific vampire novel, “To Touch the Sun.”  Its sequel, “Ujaali,” will be released on July 31st.

That sounds like some eagerly awaited summer reading for vampire fiction fans.  Dagda will also soon release the book’s cover, as well as information about how to pre-order.

You can always check in with what’s going on at Dagda Publishing (and great independent authors like Laura) by visiting its website here:

http://dagdapublishing.co.uk/

Today’s SPOLIER.

I can’t spell “spoiler.”   Tell your friends.

When is “Shaun of the Dead” not “Shaun of the Dead?”

When it’s “April Apocalypse” (2013).  Don’t let that dissuade you from watching it, though, because despite being a derivative zombie movie, it’s still quite good.  [THIS REVIEW CONTAINS MINOR SPOILERS.]

To be honest, it actually borrows more heavily from “Zombieland” (2009), with its tone and narrative style.   But … I actually think I like this more than “Zombieland,” because the humor of that popular movie often fell flat with me, and I walked away feeling that it was a little overrated.

“April Apocalypse” actually has a smart, funny script, with a likable kid as a protagonist (capably played by Reece Thompson, who reminds me a little of Ryan Reynolds).  There are a lot of genuine laughs, depending on off-beat, quirky characters and dry line delivery.  The family scenes are extremely funny — who would have thought that the prison rapist from “The Shawshank Redemption” (Mark Rolston) could be a hilarious dysfunctional Dad?  I’d give this movie an 8 out of 10, and I cheerfully recommend it to fans of the genre.

I … don’t always respond so well to horror-comedies, so some of the truly black humor was a turn-off for me.  We see a church full of desperate people perish in a manner that is supposed to be funny; one character dryly shrugs them off as expendable “Jesus Freaks.”  If you ask me, that’s disturbing, not funny.  Ask yourself this, secular friends — what if the script was different, and those sacrificed (in grisly fashion) were attendants at an American Atheist Convention?  Most of my close friends who enjoy “The Walking Dead” as much as I do are also Christian.  Which makes this joke, at the very least … icky, in my opinion.

We also see a running gag that I’ve seen pop up from time to time in zombie films and fiction.  Otherwise good-natured characters gleefully enjoy killing the zombie versions of people who they disliked when they were alive.  That’s some pretty dark humor, and maybe it’s transparently pathological.  I like survival stories of people coming together to fight an insurmountable threat — not murder-by-proxy jokes.

Finally, I would have gone with a different ending.  I won’t say more because I don’t want to make this post too spoiler-heavy.

Anyway, sorry to over-analyze and be a grumpy old man.  Do give this film a chance and watch it.  It was surprisingly good and made me laugh a lot.

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Okay — maybe the Julianne Moore joke has gone far enough …

I see that the photo of “me” and Julianne Moore that I blogged a couple of days ago has gotten a record number of hits, and 56 Facebook shares.  I need to come clean that it was intended as just a silly hoax.

I have never met Julianne Moore; the man shown is renowned actor James Woods.  It’s been a running joke among a lot of people that I look like Woods — I have been hearing it since I was 16 years old.  My buddy Pete Harrison sent the picture to me as a gag.

Nor did Moore visit Washington, DC this past weekend as part of her charity efforts, as far as I am aware.  The Facebook comments I made about her kissing me on the cheek and telling me I was “a special guy?”  Pure fiction.  Her press office contacting me the next day because she wanted to stay in touch?  Also fiction.  Finally, I extemporized about her hair carrying the scent of strawberries and lavender, but … somehow … I just KNOW that part is actually true.

I love it when people are kind enough to share my blog posts — I’m really sorry if anyone passed this along unaware that it was a joke!  🙂

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Nurse Your Favorite Heresies in Whispers