Tag Archives: humor

Keep It Simple, Stupid.

This is the simplest sandwich I can fathom — one thick slice of cooked ham and one slice of Muenster cheese on white bread.  (Make sure the opposite slice of bread includes a generous helping of Duke’s Mayonnaise.)

The taste is positively sublime.  The meat and the cheese just go together like chocolate and peanut butter, I swear.

Anyway, at some point I want to see how I can become a spokesperson for Duke’s Mayonnaise, because that’s totally a cause that I can get behind.  I have no idea how — I’m not exactly an “influencer.”  I guess I’ve influenced people on Facebook to unfriend me?  And I had a guy tell me once that my poetry made him want to hug his knees and cry.  (“But it’s so good!” He qualified.)  I still kinda don’t think that’s the reaction that Duke’s is going for.



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WEEP FOR MY FALL THROUGH THE AIR.

I’m bookish, awkward, pot-bellied and an easy target for jokes. Now I apparently need prescription glasses? And I can’t understand why people in my age group want to run society like a bunch of savages.

All I need is a conch shell, and I’m Piggy from “Lord of the Flies.”



Hasn’t he got enough problems lately?

My pal Tara posted this picture of an unimpressive carrot she found this morning.

I think we can all agree the association is inevitable.



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[squints awkwardly]

DON’T be offended if I don’t recognize you — it’s because I don’t have my glasses on.

I can’t see *%$#. You could Henry Goddam Kissinger for all I know.



Medice, cura te ipsum.

I’m really good at encouraging OTHERS to get organized and focused. Not always so good at getting organized and focused myself.

Got a whole little physician-heal-thyself thing goin’ on.



You can never go home again.

I went to the beach today, and I even took a ride on the Ship of Theseus — just like I did when I was a kid.

But it just wasn’t the same.



I’m sorry. This really is a ship joke.



Taste Test = Toaster Strudels

This just in — Toaster Strudels are goddam wonderful.

Update — somebody just told me that there is icing in the box — and that you put it on yourself.  I did not know that!!

Update 2.0 — I suppose that the “ICING INLCUDED” proclamation on the front of the box should have been my first clue.



Today’s portmanteau.

Neuromaste — the neurotic in me greets the neurotic in you.

(There’s something to be said for dysfunctional spiritual symmetry. )



“*HOW* did I get here?!”

Old people thoughts I totally had today:

“This McDonald’s is exceptionally clean. The staff should be commended.”



My Brain: “It’s 1:44 AM. You should be asleep.”

Also My Brain:

“Your OWN.  PERSONAL.  RHESUS.

“Someone to hear your pleas — up in the trees.”



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Photo credit: JZ85, CC BY-SA 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0&gt;, via Wikimedia Commons