CERTAIN PEOPLE WHO WE WILL NOT MENTION made a wealth of humorous comments about how unprecedented this was, because my friends apparently all know me as a homebody. WHATEVER.
Tag Archives: humor
What eye think.
Is it me, or does the logo for Vistar Eye Center bear an uncomfortable resemblance to the Sigil of The Crimson King from Stephen King’s “The Dark Tower” series?
It raises all sorts of questions for Vistar’s patients.
But you and I are on The Path of the Beam, folks.
NOLAN TOURS.
Care to visit my gorgeous little Bible Belt city? I’ve been making these videos since 2018.
They’re not professional-grade or anything — like those Youtube walking tours of Athens or Rome. I have both a shaky hand and a shaky understanding of how to film things. Hell, in a couple of these videos I inexplicably kinda forgot how to walk. But you can still see how perfect my adopted home is.
I actually was a tour guide for a while when I was a college student. I was actually really good at it; it was back during the time before I hated people.
Ice, Ice, Maybe.
I just tried to order a Slushie without ice, because I am so used to ordering my sodas that way, and also because I am a f***ing imbecile.
“Well … they’re MADE with ice,” the polite high schooler explained apologetically.
This reminds me of that time in my 20’s when I ordered from the Taco Bell drive-thru but drove right through with getting my order, because reasons.
“KITCHEN MISHAPS” Season 1, Episode 1
Eric’s Epic Detrimental Deluge
Don’t put a trigger on a hose unless you want me to re-enact the scene in “Aliens” (1986) where Hudson ****ing goes berserk with his pulse rifle against xenomorphs attacking from every angle.
“YOU WANT SOME?! *GET* SOME!!!”
“A chance meeting with someone from the past is in store.”
Which store? Target? Victoria’s Secret? B&D Comic Shop on Elm Avenue?
Not to be a Negative Ned here, but there are some people from my past I wouldn’t want to meet by chance. That’s why they’re in the past.
Though it’s important to note that my fortune here says the past, not necessarily my past. Which I suppose could mean I’ll meet William Jennings Bryant at the bait shop or something.
I probably think too much about these things.
Socks to be me right now.
Oh my god — I just caught myself wearing socks with sandals.
And I was ONCE SO HIP.
[Narrator:] He was never hip.
LOOK INWARD, NOLAN.
When you’re walking around downtown all alone and paranoid at night and some OTHER paranoid dude by himself gives you the side-eye, and you’re like, “There but for the grace of God go waaaaaaiaminute.”
Well played, universe. Well played.
Aim high.
Some people want to climb Everest. Some people want to sail around the world.
I’d love to be able to eat food without dripping it down the length of my white t-shirt like a goddamned jackass.
I should probably just stop buying white t-shirts.
Anyway, when I posted this on Facebook, the platform actually asked to help me raise money to figure this out. Seriously. Thanks, Facebook.
What the *$#@?
Thanks, Amazon, but I honestly didn’t mean to order my belt from goddamned Munchkinland.
Who was this designed for? A ventriloquist dummy?
Did they pass along my order to the Build-A-Bear Workshop?
Eric Robert Nolan, Author 