Tag Archives: humor

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“Friends, Americans, countrymen — lend me your fears.”

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Friends, Americans, countrymen — lend me your fears.
I come to divide the nation, not lead it.
The evil that I tweet will live after me;
the truth will be twisted by nationalist drones.
So let it be with America.
My critics say I am dangerous
— is that so grievous a fault?

America, you have enabled me.
Obama; Bush; Bush, Sr.;
and Clinton were honorable men,
Despite their various differences,
all honorable men.
But I’ll make America chaos,
subservient only to me.

My critics say I am dangerous,
and my critics are honorable men.
But did they entertain at great rallies,
where hatred made your heart full?
Is it this that seems dangerous?
When all are are divided, no Union is left;
Nations should be made of sterner stuff.

Oh America, thou art ruled by brutish beasts!
For you have lost your reason!—Bear with me;
My prescription bottle is in my pocket,
And I must pause to tweak.

~ Trumpus Antonius

(c) Eric Robert Nolan 2020

 

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Photo credit: By Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America – Donald Trump, CC BY-SA 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=49611649

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“Mrrf- Rrff- RRFF- Grrble.”

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Today begins my efforts to establish a National Talk-Like-Bane Day.

(We already have Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day; why not this?) And it will persuade people to wear their masks.

 

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THIS SPACE FOR RENT.

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So my latest get-rich-quick scheme is to rent out billboard space on my truly immense damned forehead.  Seriously. Look at that thing.  I do believe that it is actually getting bigger by the year, but I don’t want to follow that thought through to its logical conclusion, because it would mean that I have a receding hairline.

Anyway, the price is negotiable.  No pro-Trump messages, of course.  (And I’m sure the president will be disappointed, because my forehead is the possibly the only space large enough to fit the word “HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE” in big bold letters.)  I cannot ethically advertise any product that exposes credulous white people to questionable chemicals.  So neither will I promote either Essential Oils nor Pumpkin Spice Latte.  When it comes to my giant forehead, With great power comes great responsibility.

Or maybe I could rent the space out as a movie screen, what with drive-ins bouncing back during the pandemic.  You could throw some Alfred Hitchcock up there.

 

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(She walked into that one.)

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I was talking to a writer friend over the phone last night about how we could encourage each other to return our respective works in progress.

Her: “If I could sketch out time on my schedule, I think I could work on it on a regular basis.”

Me: “If I could turn back time — if I could find a way — I’d take back those words that hurt you, and you’d stay.”

(I know it was a corny joke, but I still thought it was good enough to Cher.)

 

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Gen-X music jokes? The more I look, the Morrissey.

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Staying at home can be disorienting because every day feels the same.

I try to keep myself grounded with music. But then Morrissey comes on and every day is like Sunday.

 

 

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This is a brilliant example of video editing.

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Honestly.  I try to refrain from linking to Youtube videos on my blog, but this was too good not to share.  (I am linking here to the PoliticsJOE Youtube channel.)

I’m willing to bet R.E.M. would be proud.

 

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Some context.

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The people who say coronavirus is a hoax are the same people who say we didn’t see graphite on the ground.

 

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Groundhog races outside my window!

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I want to take video, but you can’t just film a neighbor’s house and yard; that’s the kind of thing that gets the cops called.

One of them just stopped and eyeballed me — apparently they don’t like spectators?

Oh! One bit the other, and it kinda screamed. That’s a foul. Or … a moving violation? Penalty? Whatever you sportos call it.

Update — the neighbors are probably wondering why I am smiling and waving at the space beneath their car.  Hell, the groundhogs are probably wondering.  Little fat dude’s giving me a look like, “Yeah?  Do we know you?”

 

 

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It’s like the Twinkie Defense! But stupider.

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I picture a lot of defense lawyers out there mulling over a “Donald Trump defense” for drug dealers.

If I recommend to you that you inject yourself with an illegal narcotic, can I exonerate myself afterward by claiming that I was only “being sarcastic?”

Anyway, the below meme information, if you haven’t seen it already, was put out by the makers of  the makes of Lysol, following the president’s comments.

 

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Word of the day: “giifbalk.”

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It’s Norwegian for “goofball.”

Or at least that’s what you tell your friend when you call her a goofball in a text but make the above typo.