Tag Archives: humor

DOWN WITH WIGHT SUPREMACY.

20953328_732742093583963_4950546820539410872_n

I spend way too much time on the Internet.

So I’ve been ransacking the cooler at my local Dunkin’ Donuts a lot lately, looking for just the right novelty bottle.  Because I am an emotionally disturbed 44-year-old man, with too much time on my hands, and not much in the way of an actual agenda.

This is what my search efforts recently labored to produce.  I plopped it down, looked the girl at the counter directly in the eye, and belted out, “LEEROOOOOOOOOOOOY JENKINS!!!”

She looked at me as though I had just demonstrated severe mental illness, like maybe I had addressed her as “Mom,” or tried to pay for my soda with cotton swabs or something.

Is the joke that old?  Is the reference too obscure?

I feel certain she knew I was not simply crooning my own real name.  I look and sound so much like a New Yorker that I cannot possibly pass for a “Leroy.”  Probably not even a “Jenkins.”

Oh, well.  YOU people get me.

 

20170814_163749

“A MAN HAS NO NAME.”

Except when a cheesy marketing gimmick causes a grown man to ransack the Dunkin’ Donuts cooler in search of a novelty plastic bottle.  Then a man has a name.

 

20170807_174609

Evolution stinks sometimes.

Soooooo, I finally gained a true appreciation earlier tonight of how bad a skunk could smell.  I’ve smelled them before … I’ve been in Virginia for a while now, and I actually spotted my first skunk in upstate New York when I was a kid.  (They’re not pretty.)  But this is the first time I’ve encountered a full dose from an animal that was evidently nearby.

Dear Lord.

This was the olfactory equivalent of Dante Alighieri’s worst visions of hell.  The odor was at once strangely metallic, horribly organic and chemically toxic.   If one of Michael Bay’s “Transformers” were possessed by the demon from William Peter Blatty’s “The Exorcist,” and it wielded flatulence to punish the damned, this would be it.  If the three Kryptonian villains from 1980’s “Superman II” had been poisoned by chili laced with spoiled pork and Ex-Lax, this would be it.

Skunks might now top my list of hated animals, were it not for my enduring abhorrence of alligators.

Earwigs are moving up on that list, too — at least since I spotted one at 7:15 tonight in my kitchen.  Earwigs look like God tried to make a proper beetle while on acid.

 

 

 

Intinmost. (интимность.)

STOP putting pressure on the President to let people “be in the room” when he meets with Putin.

It’s sick. Just let them make love in private.

 

 

 

“Flowers for Alnolan”

If you haven’t read Daniel Keyes’ outstanding novella, then check out Cliff Robertson in its excellent film treatment, “Ricky.”

 

20170703_142225

20170703_142406

(I am actually embarrassed FOR them.)

Justin Trudeau forgets to mention Alberta in his Canada Day speech?

I pity Canadians. I can’t imagine what its like to have a head of state who publicly embarrasses an entire country like that.

You know what he should do if the Canucks keep grumbling?  Just GRAB Alberta by the Canada Day speech.

 

 

“We’re Gonna Rock Down To … Electric ROAD?!?!”

Somewhere, Eddy Grant is crying right now.

I expected better of you, Roanoke.

 

20170624_160516 (3)

WTF am I hearing right now?

That sounds like a 70-pound cricket, hopped up on steroids, with cybernetic enhancements that electronically distort its voice.

That is NOT one of God’s creatures.

Why must you harbor such strange fauna, Roanoke?

I gotta get audio of this.

[Update: Internet user Jen M. helpfully provided me with the below image to assuage my apprehension.  (Thanks, Jen.)  Some trivia — Jen tells me that’s actually a still from “The Beginning of the End,” the film that MST3K expertly lampoons with Crow’s Peter Graves impression.]

 

19437318_479384759070667_7997538492131229187_n

 

 

 

Random Rabbit Returns!

Hey, my neighborhood’s home-crashing hare is back!  I call him Random Rabbit because he has no burrow — he just randomly selects backyards to occupy.  He was my guest for a while, but then he ambled across the street and inhabited another backyard.  (I think he was annoyed by my picture-taking.)  I think he just crashes random residences like a big, weird, puffy white houseguest.  (Think Kato Kaelin.)

Roanoke’s ecosystem puzzles me.  This is a slow, truly torpid prey animal who seems to have little healthy apprehension about other animals.  He’s doing just fine, though.  A nearby pit bull usually just gives him a wary stare … maybe dogs and cats are afraid of him because he’s so huge?  This picture doesn’t do him justice — he’s the biggest rabbit I’ve ever seen.  He’s probably about the size of General Woundwort from “Watership Down.”

[Update, 6/5/17:] Okay now all my friends are telling me he is very likely an abandoned pet.  So I might start feeding him.  My pals are recommending “dandelions, lemon balm, and carrot tops.”

I myself am just relieved that other people can see him.  I was harboring a pet hypothesis that he was my equivalent of “Frank” from “Donnie Darko.”  (He’s almost as big.)

 

20170524_135817