Tag Archives: humor

I’ve never seen a goddam apex predator want to snuggle so much.

This dog’s gas is suffocating.

And that makes sense. Because it’s so damned big you could park a hybrid car in its colon.

 

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There should be a new drink called “The Donald Trump Presidency.”

There should be a new drink called “The Donald Trump Presidency.”  Any cheap Russian vodka will do, but the secret ingredient is that it needs to be bought illegally over the Internet.

Pour it in a “yuge” glass, stir it up like misguided populism, and insist that it’s “GREAT,” even if tastes like piss.  Then drink it until you’re a racist braggart and an imbecile who can’t form coherent sentences — or at least until you make sexually suggestive remarks about your own daughter.

It might taste like a bitter pill to a majority of Americans, but certain Republicans will cheerfully swallow it down like a fake news story.  The only danger is to Republican partygoers is that they might grow so belligerent that they fight amongst themselves, dividing their party.

 

 

Photo credit:  By © Achim Raschka / Wikimedia Commons / CC-BY-SA-3.0, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=26371496

[Cue the theme song]

I want a crossover between “Hellraiser” and “Sanford and Son” entitled “The Lamont Configuration.”

WHO’S WITH ME?

Thanks to Mean Meme-Makin’ Blog Correspondent Pete Harrison for the pic.

 

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Vote … Neptune, I guess?

Donald Trump is basically the planet Jupiter — a bright orange, cold, gassy giant.

 

(I worked hard on this joke. Because science and stuff. Somebody please do better than the Hillary-is-Uranus rebuttal we’re all expecting.)

 

[UPDATE From author Jeremy Ghea: “Bernie is Pluto. Everybody loves Pluto and the ruling body tried to deny him.”  😀 ]  

 

Well, THAT was a little scary!

I smelled something burning, and I thought I’d left the stove on downstairs.

Turns out it was only the Reichstag.

(And he would make THEM pay for it.)

A few friends of mine were joking yesterday about “The Making of Trump,” a documentary aired last year by the dubiously named History Channel.

I told them he probably talked them into it by promising them a wall to protect them from “Ancient Aliens.”

 

I finally watched an episode of “Game of Thrones.”

So I finally caved and watched the series pilot of “Game of Thrones.” Here is my summary:

[SPOILERS.]  Albino forest monsters are f**king terrifying. Boromir actually survived “The Lord of the Rings;” now he’s a d**k to his subordinates. Cool Sarah Connor dyes her hair blonde; lame Sarah Connor gets nude. Peter Dinklage is a fantastic actor; every other character is dwarfed by his intellect. (See what I did there?)  Wolf pups look suspiciously like Husky pups.

Dragon eggs look disappointingly fake. Barbarians act all badass; 1980’s Conan could take all of them. People have to take a vow of celibacy to guard Donald Trump’s wall, for some reason.

A child is named “Bran;” is he good for roughage?  Denis Leary Doppleganger is a d**k to children.

Seriously, though — this show is awesome.

 

“The … Stalking Dead?” (A review of “Daredevil” S2E1)

[THIS REVIEW CONTAINS ONE SPOILER.]  So the fantastic John Bernthal is now the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s “Punisher,” debuting (however briefly) in the first episode of Netflix’ “Daredevil” Season 2.  I just know that there is a great “Walking Dead” joke hiding around here somewhere; but I can’t seem to put my finger on it …  (Something about … Blind Grimes?  Disabled Rick?  Daredevil can’t see “stuff?”  Or “thangs?”)  You people work that out for me.

Bernthal’s arrival is dream casting, every bit as perfect as bagging the inimitable Robert Downey, Jr. as the MCU’s Iron Man.  Even though the actor speaks only a single word, it’s goddam beautiful.

That’s one of the better things about Season 2’s first outing, which, for me, fell into the category of “good, but not great.”  (I’d still give it an 8 out of 10, and I feel certain the season will get better.)  What we see in S2E1 is mostly setup.  The episode clearly tried to introduce tension by grooming the Punisher as a frightening antagonist, with limited success.  Even casual Marvel fans know that Frank Castle is a good guy, and nothing close to a Big Bad.  Yes, he’s an anti-hero who fatally shoots villains, and will be a foil for Matt Murdock’s Boy Scout restraint (as he was in the comics, back in the day).

But I doubt that the Punisher can be made scary or truly tension-inducing.  (Are we afraid of Wolverine?)  We know that his shoot-em-up tactics won’t leave Daredevil dead.  (This isn’t “Game of Thrones” or TWD.)  And I’d guess that most viewers, like me, aren’t too emotionally invested in this show’s minor characters.  (The only exception would be the quite interesting and three-dimensional Karen Page, still wonderfully portrayed by Deborah Ann Woll.)  Hell, I think the show would be better if the painfully annoying Foggy Nelson were made an early casualty.  Finally, if the show stays true to the original comics, then the Punisher has that most sympathetic of “origin stories” — a murdered nuclear family.

Both the Punisher and Bernthal have such devoted fanbases that a lot of viewers will probably root for him against Matt.  (Our very own Blog Correspondent Len Ornstein, for example, was known for firmly being on “Team Shane” for TWD.)  Looking back at my fervent comic-collecting days in the 1990’s, I seem to recall the Punisher having a far bigger fan following.  He was a mercenary and Vietnam veteran who simply shot up whatever corner of the Marvel Comics universe to which his quarry had tried in vain to escape.  Fans compared him to DC Comics’ iconic cash cow, Batman.  Matt Murdock, on the other hand, had niche appeal.  He was a liberal superhero if there ever was one — a Columbia-educated defense attorney who employed nonfatal force, and who fought for the “everyday man on the street.”  He was like a grownup, thoughtful, socially conscious Spider-Man.  If ever there was a comic book hero who would join the American Civil Liberties Union, it was Daredevil.

Moving forward, I think that Netflix will need an altogether different adversary than Castle to raise the stakes emotionally, and bring suspense to its second season.  Maybe the show will accomplish that with Elektra, who we know will also appear.  (And fans of the comics know that this integral character has far greater implications for our hero.)

The new season’s inaugural episode might have been slightly better if it had been tweaked elsewhere, as well.  Much ominous language is devoted to characterizing the Punisher as a killer with military proficiency.  We kinda don’t see that.  The largest action set piece shows no precision or professionalism, just a room full of gangsters being hosed down by gunfire from an offscreen shooter.  And while the sequence itself was dramatic, it seemed like something that could have been perpetrated by a (very well armed) street gang in a drive-by shooting.

We also see some of the dialogue problems that were so evident in the first season — as superb as the screenwriters are, they don’t do casual conversation among friends very well.  There’s the same forced banter and an embarrassing lack of chemistry among the three lead protagonists, this time on display during an awkwardly staged after-work barroom pool game.  (It’s particularly puzzling because Woll and Charlie Cox are both very good actors.)  This show scripts its villains, petty crooks and adversaries with such flair — why does it seem to fail so often with friendly conversation?  And why bother with these strange attempts at Scooby-Gang camaraderie in the first place?  I think it’s a weird creative choice.  These are serious characters leading serious lives.  It seems implausible to me that they should be so frequently upbeat anyway.

Hey — if I’m nitpicking a lot here, it’s only because I love the show, and consequently hold it to a very high standard.  It really is the best superhero adaptation on television.  My review of last season was absolutely glowing, and I honestly think that Season 2 will be just as good.  If you haven’t checked out “Daredevil” yet, you ought to.

 

 

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“Eeeny-meeny-miney mo …”

I am going to have nightmares tonight in which Donald Trump is “Zed” from “Pulp Fiction.”

After yesterday, of course, that would make Chris Christie the Gimp.

 

Gimp

Happy Birthday, Roy Batty!!

Or, rather … Happy Incept Date?

Enjoy it while you can.  “The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long.”  And you will burn so very brightly.

 

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