Dammit.
If you look closely, you can see that I spilled both the coffee and the milk.
[Update: I just sat down and tried to eat cereal with a fork, and now I’m looking for someone to blame.]
Tag Archives: humor
(Whew.)
Woke up with weird *&^%ing dreams.
Then I remembered I’m a weird *&^%ing guy and breathed a sigh of relief.
Anyway … Kit Harington might be the next Wolverine — that’s what people are saying.
You can tell I’m doing whatever I can to avoid the disconcerting national news headlines, can’t you?
This is the e-mail I sent to Justin Trudeau about Trump’s failed bid to purchase Greenland.
I’d like to think that I sent it … Justin time?
*****
Subject: Suggestion that Canada Purchase Greenland to “Troll” Donald Trump
Justin Trudeau
Liberal MP for Papineau (Québec)
1100 Crémazie East
(Main Office)
Suite 220
Montréal QC H2P 2X2
justin.trudeau@parl.gc.ca
Dear Prime Minister Trudeau:
While I could never truly hope for another country to prevail over my own in a diplomatic matter, may I at least point something out to you? If Canada successfully negotiated the purchase of Greenland from Denmark, it would be a sublime example of you “trolling” United States President Donald Trump. (As you are doubtless aware, Prime Minister, Denmark rejected Trump’s offer.)
It would be doubly impressive in terms of trolling the president if you celebrated the deal’s finalization by throwing a massive party on the southwest shore of Greenland — to ostentatiously celebrate Canada’s newest acquisition. I realize, Sir, that the climate there is a bit cold for swimming, but you could still dance on the beach with a group of bikini-clad young women in the same manner as the television program “MTV Beach House.” (I’ve been told here in the United States that many women are prone to fawning over you.)
It would be an even better example of “throwing shade” at President Trump if you made a short speech during this televised beach party, and demonstrated your fluency in a language other than English. Or maybe your … fluency in English. Or maybe a short speech that highlighted your scientific literacy. Or, perhaps, your general literacy. Or your adult-level intelligence. Or your coherence. Or even just your not-fucking-dangerous-insanity. Any remarks in which you surpassed the current American president’s own capabilities would suffice.
Please be sure to invite German Chancellor Angela Merkel. That would obliquely, yet quite assuredly, “dis” him.
I wouldn’t expect you to invite me. I have been reliably informed by my fellow Americans that I am not “cool,” by any conventional modern understanding of the word. I know I am not cool enough to party on a Greenland beach with Justin Trudeau and a group of bikini-clad women.
Yet I am so eager to see such a deal move forward that I am willing to partner with Canada to ensure the event’s success. I volunteer to financially support music for the event that I have described above. If a member of your office will contact me at the number below my signature line, I will cheerfully arrange to send you CD’s for the celebration. Just between us, Prime Minister, I am a bit of a dealmaker myself. I successfully negotiated a deal with a certain “BMG Music Club” several decades ago in which the company agreed to provide me with 12 CD’s for the price of one — and I cleverly multiplied the value of that deal by simply using multiple names in response to their proposed contract. I never fully capitalized on the company’s obligations to my various names, because I moved away from my college dormitory address in 1994. (I simply listed the location as “Justice League America Headquarters.”)
Please consider my suggestion. I wish you the best in your ongoing efforts to preserve the friendship between our two countries.
Kindest regards,
Eric Robert Nolan, United States
ericrnolan@gmail.com
XXX-XXX-XXXX
This is a fish that looks like Pumpkinhead.
I’m going to repeat that, because I think it’s important. This is a fish that looks like Pumpkinhead — the title monster from the 1988 horror film of the same name. And it therefore deserves the attention of this blog.
My friend Ann sent this to me after her husband ordered it in a restaurant. I don’t know where they were eating, Hell, probably.
A dude ate from this, people.
To each his own, I guess.
JUST SAY CHERNOBYL.
Friend: “Ok just finished ‘Chernobyl’ on HBO. Not sure what all the hype was about, to be honest.”
Me: “You’re the kind of guy who insists there is no graphite on the ground.”
I know these jokes are getting worse. I really ought to Dyatlov it back a little bit.
Solipsism Sunday.
Have you ever wondered if the universe, as you perceive it, doesn’t exist? That it’s just an infinitely detailed illusion that occupies the senses of all your waking hours — and which ceases to exist when you close your eyes at night?
And that it is reconstructed every morning, all its imperceptible threads spun nimbly out of oblivion’s ether to meet your waking eyes with its whole cloth, its meticulous fiction?
Yeah, me too. Good morning.
Photo credit: Simon Eugster –Simon 16:19, 1 July 2006 (UTC) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)%5D
(You probably want to force me off the Internet.)
If a Jedi offers you a tour of the Jedi Temple, is it a tour de force?
(*%$#, even I can agree that one’s terrible. I’m sorry.)
(You’re just praying these jokes will end, aren’t you?)
“NOT TODAY, SANTA.”
— The Dyslexic Evangelical
(Yeah, so I’m an influencer now. Send me free steaks.)
Why am I going nuts every night for Banquet brand Salisbury steaks from the frozen food section? It just seems like such an unlikely addiction.
But I just can’t defrost the succulent little bastards fast enough.
I’d probably be shooting this gravy right into my veins, but then I couldn’t taste it.
Mmmphf mff mmphf.
DAMN FINE PRODUCT.
What is it like approaching midlife in the South?
You sit down at precisely the same time that your neighbor fires a gun off at 2 AM, and you wonder with panic whether the sound you just heard was you blowing out a knee.
True story.
Eric Robert Nolan, Author 