The costume will scare the shit out of any crooks who think I’ll accidentally implicate them.
Photo credit: By Amazinggena – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=77474912
Tag Archives: humor
“GOOD EVENING, FRAULEIN.”
I know this is a childish comparison to make, but does anyone else look at acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney and totally see Toht from 1981’s “Raiders of the Lost Ark?”
FILE PHOTO: Director of the Office of Management and Budget Mick Mulvaney speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) at National Harbor, Maryland, U.S., February 24, 2018. REUTERS/Joshua Roberts/File Photo – RC19789AFEF0
A pal of mine actually ate this last night.
Because there is no god, and because life is a stupefying, interminable Kafkaesque nocturnal hellscape.
Hey, I generally love Ben & Jerry’s. It’s an awesome brand. But Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream combines two of the very worst things in the universe — into a new and confusing amalgam of horror. (Anyone who knows me will tell you that I abhor all things pumpkin-flavored. And I’ve harbored a private loathing of cheesecake since college — there’s a weird story behind that.)
So, for me, this is like taking two things that cannot possibly be worse, and yet somehow making them worse via cruel combination. Like maybe a giant spider that also has gonorrhea. Or maybe Donald Trump singing an entire Whitney Houston album.
Remember that fish entree I showed you that looked like “Pumpkinhead?” I would rather eat that than this.
My friend gave me a permission to post this picture only if I said it was delicious. I lied to her.
Making up memes isn’t my strong point, but I still have fun with it.
What do you think?
PORTRAIT OF DORIAN GRAY.
I am SO sorry. I know these jokes are terrible even as I write them. Somebody should take this computer away from me.
What’s the most Gen-X thing you’ve ever done?
There is a thread on Twitter asking people to comment, “What’s the most GenX thing you did?” It’s a riot — check it out.
These are my responses:
- I brought a typewriter to my freshman year at Mary Washington College.
- I stood in line outside the registrar’s office to register for classes. I once had to camp out there overnight so that I could be first in line, because there was only one spot left in a course I really needed. My girlfriend brought me snacks.
- I walked to air-conditioned “computer pods” in a designated academic building when a computer was required to properly format term papers.
- I had a 5-disc CD player that could play songs at random, and I filled it with U2, Nirvana, Depeche Mode and Pearl Jam. I marveled at how cool this advanced technology made me.
- I wore a jean jacket.
- I wore fluorescent clothes and went to raves.
- I’ve watched every Kevin Smith movie at least twice.
Thanks a bunch, folks!
Thanks to all the people who sent me the very kind (and occasionally quite funny) birthday wishes!!
You guys are a swell group and I luv ya!!!!
“Eric: Portrait of a Serial Spiller”
Dammit.
If you look closely, you can see that I spilled both the coffee and the milk.
[Update: I just sat down and tried to eat cereal with a fork, and now I’m looking for someone to blame.]
(Whew.)
Woke up with weird *&^%ing dreams.
Then I remembered I’m a weird *&^%ing guy and breathed a sigh of relief.
Anyway … Kit Harington might be the next Wolverine — that’s what people are saying.
You can tell I’m doing whatever I can to avoid the disconcerting national news headlines, can’t you?
This is the e-mail I sent to Justin Trudeau about Trump’s failed bid to purchase Greenland.
I’d like to think that I sent it … Justin time?
*****
Subject: Suggestion that Canada Purchase Greenland to “Troll” Donald Trump
Justin Trudeau
Liberal MP for Papineau (Québec)
1100 Crémazie East
(Main Office)
Suite 220
Montréal QC H2P 2X2
justin.trudeau@parl.gc.ca
Dear Prime Minister Trudeau:
While I could never truly hope for another country to prevail over my own in a diplomatic matter, may I at least point something out to you? If Canada successfully negotiated the purchase of Greenland from Denmark, it would be a sublime example of you “trolling” United States President Donald Trump. (As you are doubtless aware, Prime Minister, Denmark rejected Trump’s offer.)
It would be doubly impressive in terms of trolling the president if you celebrated the deal’s finalization by throwing a massive party on the southwest shore of Greenland — to ostentatiously celebrate Canada’s newest acquisition. I realize, Sir, that the climate there is a bit cold for swimming, but you could still dance on the beach with a group of bikini-clad young women in the same manner as the television program “MTV Beach House.” (I’ve been told here in the United States that many women are prone to fawning over you.)
It would be an even better example of “throwing shade” at President Trump if you made a short speech during this televised beach party, and demonstrated your fluency in a language other than English. Or maybe your … fluency in English. Or maybe a short speech that highlighted your scientific literacy. Or, perhaps, your general literacy. Or your adult-level intelligence. Or your coherence. Or even just your not-fucking-dangerous-insanity. Any remarks in which you surpassed the current American president’s own capabilities would suffice.
Please be sure to invite German Chancellor Angela Merkel. That would obliquely, yet quite assuredly, “dis” him.
I wouldn’t expect you to invite me. I have been reliably informed by my fellow Americans that I am not “cool,” by any conventional modern understanding of the word. I know I am not cool enough to party on a Greenland beach with Justin Trudeau and a group of bikini-clad women.
Yet I am so eager to see such a deal move forward that I am willing to partner with Canada to ensure the event’s success. I volunteer to financially support music for the event that I have described above. If a member of your office will contact me at the number below my signature line, I will cheerfully arrange to send you CD’s for the celebration. Just between us, Prime Minister, I am a bit of a dealmaker myself. I successfully negotiated a deal with a certain “BMG Music Club” several decades ago in which the company agreed to provide me with 12 CD’s for the price of one — and I cleverly multiplied the value of that deal by simply using multiple names in response to their proposed contract. I never fully capitalized on the company’s obligations to my various names, because I moved away from my college dormitory address in 1994. (I simply listed the location as “Justice League America Headquarters.”)
Please consider my suggestion. I wish you the best in your ongoing efforts to preserve the friendship between our two countries.
Kindest regards,
Eric Robert Nolan, United States
ericrnolan@gmail.com
XXX-XXX-XXXX
Eric Robert Nolan, Author 