Except when a cheesy marketing gimmick causes a grown man to ransack the Dunkin’ Donuts cooler in search of a novelty plastic bottle. Then a man has a name.
Tag Archives: humor
Evolution stinks sometimes.
Soooooo, I finally gained a true appreciation earlier tonight of how bad a skunk could smell. I’ve smelled them before … I’ve been in Virginia for a while now, and I actually spotted my first skunk in upstate New York when I was a kid. (They’re not pretty.) But this is the first time I’ve encountered a full dose from an animal that was evidently nearby.
Dear Lord.
This was the olfactory equivalent of Dante Alighieri’s worst visions of hell. The odor was at once strangely metallic, horribly organic and chemically toxic. If one of Michael Bay’s “Transformers” were possessed by the demon from William Peter Blatty’s “The Exorcist,” and it wielded flatulence to punish the damned, this would be it. If the three Kryptonian villains from 1980’s “Superman II” had been poisoned by chili laced with spoiled pork and Ex-Lax, this would be it.
Skunks might now top my list of hated animals, were it not for my enduring abhorrence of alligators.
Earwigs are moving up on that list, too — at least since I spotted one at 7:15 tonight in my kitchen. Earwigs look like God tried to make a proper beetle while on acid.
Intinmost. (интимность.)
STOP putting pressure on the President to let people “be in the room” when he meets with Putin.
It’s sick. Just let them make love in private.
“Flowers for Alnolan”
If you haven’t read Daniel Keyes’ outstanding novella, then check out Cliff Robertson in its excellent film treatment, “Ricky.”
(I am actually embarrassed FOR them.)
Justin Trudeau forgets to mention Alberta in his Canada Day speech?
I pity Canadians. I can’t imagine what its like to have a head of state who publicly embarrasses an entire country like that.
You know what he should do if the Canucks keep grumbling? Just GRAB Alberta by the Canada Day speech.
“We’re Gonna Rock Down To … Electric ROAD?!?!”
Somewhere, Eddy Grant is crying right now.
I expected better of you, Roanoke.
WTF am I hearing right now?
That sounds like a 70-pound cricket, hopped up on steroids, with cybernetic enhancements that electronically distort its voice.
That is NOT one of God’s creatures.
Why must you harbor such strange fauna, Roanoke?
I gotta get audio of this.
[Update: Internet user Jen M. helpfully provided me with the below image to assuage my apprehension. (Thanks, Jen.) Some trivia — Jen tells me that’s actually a still from “The Beginning of the End,” the film that MST3K expertly lampoons with Crow’s Peter Graves impression.]
Random Rabbit Returns!
Hey, my neighborhood’s home-crashing hare is back! I call him Random Rabbit because he has no burrow — he just randomly selects backyards to occupy. He was my guest for a while, but then he ambled across the street and inhabited another backyard. (I think he was annoyed by my picture-taking.) I think he just crashes random residences like a big, weird, puffy white houseguest. (Think Kato Kaelin.)
Roanoke’s ecosystem puzzles me. This is a slow, truly torpid prey animal who seems to have little healthy apprehension about other animals. He’s doing just fine, though. A nearby pit bull usually just gives him a wary stare … maybe dogs and cats are afraid of him because he’s so huge? This picture doesn’t do him justice — he’s the biggest rabbit I’ve ever seen. He’s probably about the size of General Woundwort from “Watership Down.”
[Update, 6/5/17:] Okay now all my friends are telling me he is very likely an abandoned pet. So I might start feeding him. My pals are recommending “dandelions, lemon balm, and carrot tops.”
I myself am just relieved that other people can see him. I was harboring a pet hypothesis that he was my equivalent of “Frank” from “Donnie Darko.” (He’s almost as big.)
I PROMISE I’ll stop with the covfefe jokes tonight!!
And I know it’s poor form to publish a blog post containing only memes. (That’s what social media is for.) But these two were just too good not to share with as wide an audience as possible.
This blog WAS supposed to be about writing, when I started it once upon an idealistic time. And typos are an occupational hazard for writers, so I figure it’s okay.
Anyway, I cannot take credit for creating these … I found them on Facebook.
“NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCOVFEFE.”
*Covfefe dooon’t like it …
ROCK the Casbah, ROCK the Casbah!
Covfefe dooon’t like it …
ROCK the Casbah, ROCK the Casbah!
*In best doctor voice: “Okay, now turn your head and covfefe.”
*”Covfefe at me, Bro!!!”
Okay, I will stop making these jokes tonight.
I was chatting with Dennis Villelmi today, and I told him the entire situation is stupid on so many levels. The president is stupid for tweeting “covfefe;” WE are stupid for finding it so funny, as though we were a group of junior high school students; the press sounds at least a little stupid for asking about an obvious typo’s “meaning;” Trump’s supporters are stupid for buying into the idea that it was a message in Arabic; Sean Spicer is stupid for trying to pretend that it was … a coded message? To a “small number of people?”
At the same time he’s trying to avoid the implication that Trump or his people are passing information to the Russians?
Eric Robert Nolan, Author 