So I finally caved and watched the series pilot of “Game of Thrones.” Here is my summary:
[SPOILERS.] Albino forest monsters are f**king terrifying. Boromir actually survived “The Lord of the Rings;” now he’s a d**k to his subordinates. Cool Sarah Connor dyes her hair blonde; lame Sarah Connor gets nude. Peter Dinklage is a fantastic actor; every other character is dwarfed by his intellect. (See what I did there?) Wolf pups look suspiciously like Husky pups.
Dragon eggs look disappointingly fake. Barbarians act all badass; 1980’s Conan could take all of them. People have to take a vow of celibacy to guard Donald Trump’s wall, for some reason.
A child is named “Bran;” is he good for roughage? Denis Leary Doppleganger is a d**k to children.
Seriously, I can no longer leave home without my camera. There is a veritable County-wide Inter-species Conference commencing right now at a single segment of my local creek. (We need to give that creek a name at some point.)
I saw a beaver for the very first time, and it was kind of a big deal to me, and if you crack the obvious joke, you’re a nine-year-old. Beavers look a hell of a lot like groundhogs, as it turns out, except they’re flat-tailed swimmers, of course, and they’re slimmer and far more graceful. A coffee-colored mama duck had marshaled forth her squabbling, fluttering, barely ordered brood on the opposite side. They seemed as interested in the beaver as I was. (Field trip?)
I endeavored to follow the beaver down the narrow waterway, trying to channel Meriwether Lewis without spilling the 7-Eleven “Double Gulp” Dr. Pepper that my doctor keeps telling me I shouldn’t have. (Donald Trump has inspired me to drink them to honor the police and firemen at 7-Eleven.)
A couple of still, solitary, cranky-looking snapper turtles were sunning themselves, too. They launched themselves like lightning onto the water at the sound of my approaching footsteps. A pissed-off bullfrog did the same, only very awkwardly, and while cursing me out with a “GROAK!” (The preceding term is an example of onomatopoeia, by the way. This is the only meaningful advice I will ever render to you as a writer.)
All of this was maybe 200 feet from that spot where I saw deer and heron commiserating a week ago. I am precisely the kind of guy who gets lost in the woods, so I’m no naturalist. (Seriously, that $+I+ happened when I went to New York in January, in the very same woods I grew up in.) But even I am starting to understand that diverse animals will be drawn to wetlands.
I might just finally figure out my camera’s zoom function and stake that whole area out, on a lark, at some point before Virginia gets too hot. If anything interesting transpires, I’ll post it here.
Donald Trump is an @$$+073.
What kind of name is “Meriwether,” anyway? That guy must have caught some heat in gradeschool.
I think the sugar and caffeine in this “Double Gulp” is doing a number on me.
It’s all just a guerrilla marketing stunt for Amazon’s “The Man in the High Castle.” You know … that TV show based on a book about the Nazis overtaking America.
You … you kind of took this thing pretty far, Amazon.
Also: the real reason Donald Trump wants to “close up” the Internet is because he is jealous that Democrat Al Gore invented it. Right?
“Jurassic World” is real. And it’s goddam terrifying. The following two videos illustrate both the Green Menace and the need for jaguars to protect us.
I’ll recruit the cats, I’ll build a wall around Southern Coastal states, I’ll start a database of alligators and conduct surveillance of local ponds. It will be GREAT. Really, really great.
“The thing Trump’s really good at is getting otherwise rational people to clamp down harder on their fears and prejudices. These people aren’t monsters. They’re completely normal. But for whatever reason, they let their fears drive them. And that turns them into weapons.”
— “Sam,” an anonymous protester ejected from a rally for Donald Trump, shown in the below video.
[Update: I just want to be conscientious about attribution here — this video appeared (and presumably was produced) by the INSIDER Facebook page.]
Eric Robert Nolan, Author 