I am going to drive drunk tonight.

I don’t personally know anyone who has been killed by a drunk driver. Neither have my friends. Therefore, drunk driving is demonstrably safe.

As for all those public health “experts” and their statistics, have you ever thought about what agenda they serve? Wake up! They just want to control us. If you fall for their scare tactics, you’re a sheep. But not me.

Those news articles about drunk driving deaths? I don’t read anything from the news media. It isn’t that I’m intellectually lazy, or prone to broadcasting uninformed opinions. I just don’t want to be brainwashed, and I’m smart enough to draw my own conclusions. I’m not ignorant; I’m elevated above the credulous by my refusal to read. I drove drunk the other night, for example, and nobody was killed. Explain THAT.

The police blotter? I don’t trust the police, either – always questioning people, charging them and making arrests. Here’s an eye opener for you – do you know where else the police did things like that? THE SOVIET UNION.

Besides, I’m protected by the Blood of Jesus. If God decides to take me, then it’s my time. If I should happen to cause someone else’s death, then it was their time too. (If they do not share my religion, and thus are not guaranteed entrance to a euphoric afterlife, then it’s their fault, not mine. And if God takes them, it will surely reflect His judgement against their character.)

Furthermore, I need to drive drunk in order to demonstrate my faith, and God’s consequent divine protection. This isn’t a garish and particularly dangerous form of religious virtue-signaling. It’s me providing a spiritual example.

I’m brave. I’m tough. I’M AN AMERICAN. My premeditated drunk driving in the face of an oppressive government should tell you that.  So should my willingness to engage in high-risk behavior.

And so should my gun, right here. Impressive, huh? (You should have seen the faces on the unarmed civil servants when I marched through a public building with it yesterday. I take a lot of brave stands, you see, so I also protest social distancing requirements.)

If you want to hear more about my courageous protests, I’ve got lots to tell. You’ll notice that a lot of my stories carry a subtext suggesting that I am unusually bold, and especially macho, and that, more than others, I am an AMERICAN, god damn it.

But it will have to wait, because I need to lie down. Ever since the protest yesterday, I’ve developed a hell of a cold.

[COUGH!]