Because nothing says “Merry Christmas” like an undead woolly mammoth speaking in verse while cupids try to kill it.

Vintage Christmas cards are nuts, as anyone who’s ever gone down that particular Kafka-esque rabbit hole will tell you.  If you do a simple Google image search, you can see that our supposedly dignified forebears evidently toked up a lot around the holidays, whether it was on opium or bathtub gin or cocaine-fueled Coca-Cola or sassafras or whatever.

This might be the weirdest one yet.  The card below dates from 1912, and actually features a handwritten, rhyming poem –a lot of these antique holiday cards feature short, peculiar, rhyming poems; it was almost a folk-art genre unto itself.

Anyway, you’ll see that the poem below describes a woolly mammoth being excavated, and then … resurrecting or something.  (Or is this its ghost?)  The prehistoric animal has a creepy (though quaint and nicely vivid poem) addressing his saviors.  I’m pretty sure it’s about women’s suffrage, though I’m not sure whether it’s for or against.  I’m leaning toward the latter.  The poem gets harder to read toward the end, but … does it describe the female animals leading the males “meekly” to their long-ago death and entombment in the ice?  (And the author’s position is sort of implied by the one-word query, “Suffragette?” circled and written in blood-red letters.)

There are two cupids endeavoring to kill this unholy animal; you can find them in the top corners.  Because it’s a zombie, they are wisely aiming for its head.

“Merry Christmas,” in other words.

What is sassafras, exactly, anyway?  I can honestly you that I do not know for sure.

 

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#cakefail

A buddy of mine made the cake on the right for a Christmas party.  (At left was his Pinterest inspiration; it was supposed to be a tie-dyed yule log cake.)  He is actually a truly superb cook and baker, but here he finally created something that I can embarrass him with.

I opined that it looked like a rainbow submarine melted by nuclear radiation; others drew more … lewd comparisons.  Today I think it most resembles John Carpenter’s “The Thing” after devouring and assimilating the Smurf Village.  (And how’s that for a double 80’s reference?)

Look … I’m the first one to admit that I myself can’t find my way around a kitchen.  Just now, as I am writing this, I almost put “Sweet Onion (Sea Salt Blend)” on my sausage and eggs, because at first I thought it was regular salt.

 

 

A beautiful woman tied me up this Christmas. (Pics.)

Isn’t this tie the greatest?  She sure can pick ’em!  I like to think of it as a bold, metallic blue.

Or maybe cerulean blue, like a gentle breeze.  (Actually, it isn’t, but I can’t resist an obscure “The X-Files” reference.)

And it has the truly unpredictable effect of enhancing my impression of Robert De Niro in “The Untouchables!”  (See the photos below; I am the one on the right.)

 

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A friend of mine crafted this phoenix to top her Christmas tree.

And I think it’s really flippin’ cool.

Sigh … yes, it is indeed a Harry Potter reference.  Her entire Christmas tree has a Harry Potter theme.  But I am pretending it’s the classical phoenix.  Or even an emblem for Phoenix, Arizona.

The girl’s got talent.  Someday when I become a wealthy author, I want to hire her to decorate my house for Halloween.

 

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