So I’ve been ransacking the cooler at my local Dunkin’ Donuts a lot lately, looking for just the right novelty bottle. Because I am an emotionally disturbed 44-year-old man, with too much time on my hands, and not much in the way of an actual agenda.
This is what my search efforts recently labored to produce. I plopped it down, looked the girl at the counter directly in the eye, and belted out, “LEEROOOOOOOOOOOOY JENKINS!!!”
She looked at me as though I had just demonstrated severe mental illness, like maybe I had addressed her as “Mom,” or tried to pay for my soda with cotton swabs or something.
Is the joke that old? Is the reference too obscure?
I feel certain she knew I was not simply crooning my own real name. I look and sound so much like a New Yorker that I cannot possibly pass for a “Leroy.” Probably not even a “Jenkins.”
Oh, well. YOU people get me.
Except when a cheesy marketing gimmick causes a grown man to ransack the Dunkin’ Donuts cooler in search of a novelty plastic bottle. Then a man has a name.
They insult my intelligence whenever they ask me to pay $4.00 for a f**king cup of coffee.
I suggest it’s also occasionally too bitter when you buy it from the barista, and it’s always WAY too hot.
I’m far happier with a cup from Dunkin’ Donuts. It tastes better, the large-size cups are bigger, and the tops are better designed so that you can drink them on the go. And if it was good enough for my old man, then it’s good enough for me.
But don’t misunderstand. I am not agreeing with the sanctimonious paranoids boycotting the company because … an absence of reindeer constitutes a “war on Christmas?” Some arguments are so bizarre, I’m too busy scratching my head even to frame a rebuttal. The words “separation of church and state” have never appeared on Starbucks coffee cups. Nor have the words “First Amendment freedoms.” So … is Starbucks also waging a “war on constitutional freedoms?” Should I join the boycott myself, and ally with the angry Christians?
It is said that war makes strange bedfellows, after all.