What I want is a “Star Trek” episode where one dyslexic Borg embarrasses the whole cube by telling entire planets that they will be ass-limited.
Tag Archives: humor
Run!! It’s Five-Oh!!
My dudes, THANK YOU for all of the fun and hilarious birthday messages yesterday. It means a lot to me.
I’m happy to mark my half-century on this planet with such thoughtful friends. 🙂
Photo credit: Ominae, CC BY-SA 4.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0>, via Wikimedia Commons
See you at the Grammys.
So I’m a little bit of a weird guy. I had this absolutely vivid dream the night before last that I was a world-famous singer-songwriter. And I stopped into my old college town of Fredericksburg, Virginia, where all of my school’s deans and professors came out to greet me and invite me over for coffee. I was a celebrity.
The reason I was in Fredericksburg was to record a new version of my latest big hit at a local church — this time it would be a gospel version of the song. (Think of U2’s Rattle and Hum album.) This song, which had been my most popular ever, was called “My Girlfriend Got Eaten by a Gator.”
Here’s the thing — I SWEAR I can remember it perfectly. It’s stuck in my head. I was humming it all day yesterday. If only I knew how to write music, I’d write it down and go all the way to the Grammys.
Update — sorry for not posting a trigger warning for any unfortunate souls whose girlfriends were, tragically, eaten by gators. My bad.
Photo credit: The Howard Gospel Choir performs at Kulturama in Stockholm. US Embassy Sweden, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
Biscotti!!
Early birthday present from a fellow creative. Writers make the greatest friends. They know exactly what fuel you need.
And these happened along at exactly the right time, as I am making good on a vow to start writing stories again. They are currently helping me to conjure killer robots.
This pun was a Holmes run.
Chatting with a pal on the phone tonight, and there’s this audibly vicious dog with a terrifying, thunderous bark going nuts next door to her. It sounds like it’s the size of a Buick.
Her: “That dog does this every night. It is such an asshole.”
Me: “It’s the Hound of the Asskervilles.”
HOUSE PARTY.
I tried to tune into “House of the Dragon” tonight, and I was really confused, because it was just this show about a house in New Orleans that was the ruin of many a poor boy.
Turns out I was watching “House of the Rising Sun” by accident.
[smiles and nods silently]
Totally true fact — as a New Yorker living in The South, I do NOT always understand what people are saying to me. The accents, the idioms …
I CAN’T keep asking people to clarify or repeat things every time this happens. This town would grind to a halt.
So if I respond inappropriately or not at all to something you’ve said to me, Roanokers, please know that I can’t help it. A lot of your upbeat utterances kinda blend together for me. We could be talking about American Idol, the Spanish American War, three-cheese omelettes, the Nikkei Stock Index, whatever. I JUST DON’T KNOW.
(It’s early.)
“I’d share a Vonnegut quote here this morning, but I don’t want to be too Kurt with you.”
— Eric Robert Nolan
It’s a Shakespun.
I keep wanting to refer to Donald Trump’s Florida home as “Mar-Iago.”
But I’m afraid that only theater nerds would get the joke.
My rock-solid defense.
Eric Robert Nolan, Author 