So I hit the supermarket last night because I NEEDED fresh meat. (I’m part velociraptor. 23andMe says so. I even wrote it in on the census.)
Let me tell you something — Roanokers are 100 percent diligent in maintaining the recommended six feet of distance. And on top of that, they’re STILL polite and good-natured. My neighbors are smart, classy people.
And I’m doing my best to blend in … I think they’ve mistaken me for one of their own.
If you’re lonely and you’re not sure when quarantine begins or ends, use some extra parts to make some robot friends.
Update: People should get started on this in the not-too-distant future.
Stay in The Batcave. Practice Social Bat-Distancing.
When there WAS no toilet paper shortage, but a run on toilet paper creates a toilet paper shortage.
Ultron: “EVERYONE CREATES THE THING THEY DREAD.”
You know you’re a comic book nerd when you have dreams about fighting Mirror Master.
I don’t even get any cool villains, like The Joker or Killer Croc or Bane. Those would make me look cool or dark or tough or something. I go to sleep and my psyche hands me ****ing MIRROR MASTER.
Why?
Lydia Parry: “Hello [Waving hand] How are you doing”
Me: “Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?”
Lydia Parry: “Hey”
Me: “Come on, now. I hear you’re feeling down. Well, I can ease your pain — get you on your feet again.”
Lydia Parry: “How are you doing and how was your day been”
Me: “Relax. I’ll need some information first.”
Lydia Parry: “What”
Me: “Just the basic facts. Can you show me where it hurts?”
Lydia Parry: “Where do you come from”
Me: “There is no pain, you are receding — a distant ship’s smoke on the horizon. You are only coming through in waves. Your lips move, but I can’t hear what you’re saying.”
Lydia Parry: “I come from California state Flag of United States and you”
Me: “When I was a child I had a fever. My hands felt just like two balloons.”
Lydia Parry: “[smiley face] Sound bad to hear from you”
Me: “Now I’ve got that feeling once again. I can’t explain … you would not understand …This is not how I am.”
Lydia Parry: “Sorry I’m just honest to any person that I’ve met
I will understand you”
Me: “I have become comfortably numb.”
Lydia Parry: “Ok”
Miss Becca: “Hello”
Me: “Hello, is it me you’re looking for?”
Miss Becca: “Oh yes”
Me: “I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your smile.”
Miss Becca: “How are you? Where are you from?”
Me: “You’re all I’ve ever wanted, and my arms are open wide.”
Miss Becca: “Wow baby what brings you to Twitter?”
Me: “‘Cause you know just what to say, and you know just what to do, and I want to tell you so much …
Miss Becca: [blocks me]
Me: “… I love you.”
No, spellcheck, I did not want to address my Mexican-American friend as “Chihuahua;” I indeed meant to call her “Chiquita.”
Thanks for having my back, though, because confusing those two words can really affect the tone of a message.
Obvious scammer on Twitter (disguised as sexy girl): “My name is Kaleta.”
Me: “My name is Luka. I live on the second floor.”
Scammer: “That’s nice to hear from you where are you from”
Me: “I live upstairs from you. Yes, I think you’ve seen me before.”
Scammer: “Oh really”
Me: “If you hear something late at night — some kind of trouble, some kind of fight — just don’t ask me what it was.”
Scammer: “Oh I see so can you send me pic of you If you don’t mind.”
Me: “I think it’s because I’m clumsy. I try not to talk too loud.”
Scammer: “Oh om Ok Can you send a pic of you This is me” [Sends picture again. I have been reliably informed by a friend that the picture is actually one of the Playboy Playmates. Which is curious, because “Kaleta’s” Twitter profile somewhat puzzlingly refers to her as an “Able God.”]
Me: “Maybe it’s because I’m crazy. I try not to act too proud.”
Scammer:
Me: “They only hit until you cry. After that you don’t ask why.”
Scammer:
Me: “You just don’t argue anymore.
You just don’t argue anymore.
You just don’t argue anymore.”
So I just saw an eagle. I believe it’s only the second one that I’ve seen in my life. (I went through an embarrassing phase upon arriving in Virginia in which I thought all those vultures were eagles, but I got over that.)
It looked truly enormous, even from a distance — much larger, I think, than the eagles I’ve seen in Youtube videos; I’m not sure what the story there is.
This comes a day after a veritably massive heron took me off guard, too. (It was like a pterodactyl. It buzzed me like Maverick buzzes the tower in Top Gun.)
I keep trying to get pictures for you guys; I’d love to run photos here. But I’m always too clumsy in grabbing, pointing and shoot my camera. (I need to practice drawing and shooting really quickly, like maybe one of those Westworld robots.)
After my vain attempt to get a shot of tonight’s eagle, it occurred to me that if I knew where it nested, I could at least keep my eye out. So started eyeballing the treelines in my neighborhood. I might have looked funny, because I had to squint, because my eyes aren’t what they used to be, and I’ve been told that I look “grudgy” when I squint, like I’m “looking for revenge or something.” So I probably look like a lunatic walking around now, vengefully squinting upward, like a dude just waiting for the Martians to attack again so he can finally fight back.
My neighbors think I’m weird enough. I can tell by the questions they ask me.
I’ll keep you guys posted.
Eric Robert Nolan, Author 