Damn thing needs its own zip code.
Unless I get it cut once a month, I turn into Mr. Glass from “Unbreakable.”
Or maybe Beaker the muppet at disillusioned midlife.
Meep.
Tag Archives: humor
This kite stuck in a tree on a rainy day might be the best metaphor for 2020 ever.
Unless … maybe if the tree was also on fire.
And I’m not going that far for a good photo. I’ve got enough problems.
Snickety-Snick.
Here’s an idea. Since none of us are getting haircuts, we should have a contest to see who can grow the coolest Wolverine hair.
Frankly I thought I’d be much farther along — I have a long reputation for having “big hair.” Seriously. It’s just always been thick.
I figured I’d let you guys off the hook and not suggest a six-pack abs contest. I’d win that one too easily.
A long-distance meating.
So I hit the supermarket last night because I NEEDED fresh meat. (I’m part velociraptor. 23andMe says so. I even wrote it in on the census.)
Let me tell you something — Roanokers are 100 percent diligent in maintaining the recommended six feet of distance. And on top of that, they’re STILL polite and good-natured. My neighbors are smart, classy people.
And I’m doing my best to blend in … I think they’ve mistaken me for one of their own.
Pandemic pro-tip:
If you’re lonely and you’re not sure when quarantine begins or ends, use some extra parts to make some robot friends.
Update: People should get started on this in the not-too-distant future.
Dammit, Robin.
Stay in The Batcave. Practice Social Bat-Distancing.
(Someone make a meme for this.)
When there WAS no toilet paper shortage, but a run on toilet paper creates a toilet paper shortage.
Ultron: “EVERYONE CREATES THE THING THEY DREAD.”
Mirror, Mirror.
You know you’re a comic book nerd when you have dreams about fighting Mirror Master.
I don’t even get any cool villains, like The Joker or Killer Croc or Bane. Those would make me look cool or dark or tough or something. I go to sleep and my psyche hands me ****ing MIRROR MASTER.
Why?
MORE fun with scammers on Twitter:
Lydia Parry: “Hello [Waving hand] How are you doing”
Me: “Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?”
Lydia Parry: “Hey”
Me: “Come on, now. I hear you’re feeling down. Well, I can ease your pain — get you on your feet again.”
Lydia Parry: “How are you doing and how was your day been”
Me: “Relax. I’ll need some information first.”
Lydia Parry: “What”
Me: “Just the basic facts. Can you show me where it hurts?”
Lydia Parry: “Where do you come from”
Me: “There is no pain, you are receding — a distant ship’s smoke on the horizon. You are only coming through in waves. Your lips move, but I can’t hear what you’re saying.”
Lydia Parry: “I come from California state Flag of United States and you”
Me: “When I was a child I had a fever. My hands felt just like two balloons.”
Lydia Parry: “[smiley face] Sound bad to hear from you”
Me: “Now I’ve got that feeling once again. I can’t explain … you would not understand …This is not how I am.”
Lydia Parry: “Sorry I’m just honest to any person that I’ve met
I will understand you”
Me: “I have become comfortably numb.”
Lydia Parry: “Ok”
More fun with scammers on Twitter:
Miss Becca: “Hello”
Me: “Hello, is it me you’re looking for?”
Miss Becca: “Oh yes”
Me: “I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your smile.”
Miss Becca: “How are you? Where are you from?”
Me: “You’re all I’ve ever wanted, and my arms are open wide.”
Miss Becca: “Wow baby what brings you to Twitter?”
Me: “‘Cause you know just what to say, and you know just what to do, and I want to tell you so much …
Miss Becca: [blocks me]
Me: “… I love you.”
Eric Robert Nolan, Author 