Mr. President, here’s a brilliant idea. Why don’t we combine your plans for the border moat and your plans for the Space Force and just launch snakes and alligators into space?
Designing spacesuits for the snakes would be a challenge — as would the question of how they would hold their laser guns. But if we pulled it off, we could call it the Ssssssspace Force.
Locating the snakes to recruit would be easy. Just look at any Republican Congressman still supporting you.
The meme below was created by J.D. Smith. I’ve met at least two of these criteria. I’m embarrassed to say which.
Gonna write me a poem based on a pun.
Gonna call it “No Poem Intended.”
All the little dogs
chasing and biting me can
just go f*** themselves.
Photo credit: By David Shankbone – Own work, CC BY 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=5136536
“Delicious, woven”
wheat crackers — a carefully
woven, willful lie.
You see that second picture? That happened when I tried to take a picture of the pumpkin. But I accidentally took a picture of myself, because my phone’s camera was reversed, and I am an idiot. For some reason, I’ve now discovered, I look as intense as the goddam Batman when I am taking pictures. I should go to the roughest part of Roanoke and just point my cell phone camera around — scare the crap out of criminals.
Breaking news — the president released his own early design for his planned border wall, complete with its moat filled with alligators and snakes.
Details will follow shortly after presidential nap-time.
Update: I’m referring to the result of a haircut. I haven’t been the victim of a spell that magically transformed me into a Dutch schoolboy.
Update 2: “I SPILLED SNERT IN MY STROOPWAFEL, HEADMASTER.”
Update 3: “Hey, Girl. Wanna go out sometime? We can go Dutch.”
Update 4: DUTCH DO IT.
Update 5: I got a response to this last night from someone I think is a real, actual Dutch person. She writes: “Can you just ride my bike and Presto I’m there. Hash tag lazy American omg do you have tequila.”
I’m … I’m not even sure what all of that means, but it sounds fun.
The costume will scare the shit out of any crooks who think I’ll accidentally implicate them.
Photo credit: By Amazinggena – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=77474912
I know this is a childish comparison to make, but does anyone else look at acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney and totally see Toht from 1981’s “Raiders of the Lost Ark?”
Because there is no god, and because life is a stupefying, interminable Kafkaesque nocturnal hellscape.
Hey, I generally love Ben & Jerry’s. It’s an awesome brand. But Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream combines two of the very worst things in the universe — into a new and confusing amalgam of horror. (Anyone who knows me will tell you that I abhor all things pumpkin-flavored. And I’ve harbored a private loathing of cheesecake since college — there’s a weird story behind that.)
So, for me, this is like taking two things that cannot possibly be worse, and yet somehow making them worse via cruel combination. Like maybe a giant spider that also has gonorrhea. Or maybe Donald Trump singing an entire Whitney Houston album.
Remember that fish entree I showed you that looked like “Pumpkinhead?” I would rather eat that than this.
My friend gave me a permission to post this picture only if I said it was delicious. I lied to her.
Eric Robert Nolan, Author 