People, if you have tartar sauce in your fridge and you’re not sure it’s good, please do not hold it up to your nose and sniff it to ascertain its viability.  If in doubt, throw it out.  Trust me on this.

Because it might smell like a syphilitic dragon with an anger disorder urinated radioactive turpentine onto a raging car fire outside an ammonia factory — right after a chemical warfare attack was waged nearby by the steaming Sulphur Men from Planet Terrible.  You get the picture.

This is an important tip.  I need to jot this down for that cookbook I’m working on.

Also, “the steaming Sulphur Men from Planet Terrible” is your writing prompt for tonight.  Go.

If so, send me to Stockholm.  (Yeah, I know that’s where they hand you the Nobel, but I’ve always wanted to see Stockholm …)

My latest:

I’ll never show restraint on social media.

BECAUSE THE ENDS JUSTIFY THE MEMES.

Most of the rebels in “Star Wars” were fighting only for a noble cause.

But Princess Leia hated Darth Vader for Alderaan reasons.

[Update: a pal of mine told me that this joke was “a bit forced.”]

If I write a blog post, check or e-mail and date it 2020, I am not a &^%$ing imbecile who still can’t manage to write the new year correctly.

I have mastered time travel, and I actually am contacting you from the future.