Tag Archives: Eric Robert Nolan

“Lyin’-ass Advertiser Haiku,” by Eric Robert Nolan

“Delicious, woven”

wheat crackers — a carefully

woven, willful lie.

 

20191009_135118

Hallo-WIN, people.

You see that second picture?  That happened when I tried to take a picture of the pumpkin.  But I accidentally took a picture of myself, because my phone’s camera was reversed, and I am an idiot.  For some reason, I’ve now discovered, I look as intense as the goddam Batman when I am taking pictures.  I should go to the roughest part of Roanoke and just point my cell phone camera around — scare the crap out of criminals.

 

5603677719764089424

758728832908391378

3815992578042557139

Throwback Thursday: “The Swarm” (1978)!

I was surprised when I recently discovered that “The Swarm” (1978) was a feature film; I remembered it as a made-for-television movie from my childhood.  (After its theatrical release, it debuted on NBC with a hell of a lot of fanfare in February 1980.)  I was also surprised to read that it was both a critical and a commercial flop, and is often named as one of the worst films ever made.  I was in the second grade at the time, and — let me assure you — this was THE movie the kids in school talked about.  We were in awe of it.

The people behind “The Swarm” had high hopes for it in 1978.  The internet informs me that it was based on a best-seller by famed novelist Arthur Herzog. And it was helmed by director Irwin Allen, who gave us two classic 70’s film adaptations of disaster novels — “The Poseidon Adventure” in 1972, and “The Towering Inferno” in 1974.  (Those were a pretty big deal back in the day.)  And just look at the cast named in the trailer below.  It’s like a who’s who of 1970’s cinema.  Yet it all apparently just didn’t pan out … contrary to my memories of second grade, “The Swarm” went down in pop culture history as a train wreck.

Check out the bee-proof suits worn by the guys with the flamethrowers.  Talk about an excellent G.I. Joe toy that was never made.  (Of course we had “Blowtorch,” but he was 80’s rad, and these guys in white are 70’s kitsch.)

 

swarm-main

 

(I’m having a pun time, in other words.)

This latest press conference is difficult to follow, because these two presidents are hard to tell apart.

One guy is Finnish and the other guy is Finished.

 

EF5aUsuWkAE1NsT

See ya later, alligator.

Breaking news — the president released his own early design for his planned border wall, complete with its moat filled with alligators and snakes.

Details will follow shortly after presidential nap-time.

 

s-l640

*&@#. NOW I’M A DUTCH SCHOOLBOY.

Update: I’m referring to the result of a haircut. I haven’t been the victim of a spell that magically transformed me into a Dutch schoolboy.

Update 2: “I SPILLED SNERT IN MY STROOPWAFEL, HEADMASTER.”

Update 3: “Hey, Girl. Wanna go out sometime? We can go Dutch.”

Update 4: DUTCH DO IT.

Update 5: I got a response to this last night from someone I think is a real, actual Dutch person.  She writes: “Can you just ride my bike and Presto I’m there. Hash tag lazy American omg do you have tequila.

I’m … I’m not even sure what all of that means, but it sounds fun.

 

1344206983675455641

Tis’ the season.

Isn’t this the coolest Halloween card ever?  The little skeleton guy dances.

Hope you guys have something scary planned for the month ahead.  I’ve got a short list of movies I’d love to make time for: “Dracula” (1939), “House of the Devil” (2009),  “Annabelle Creation” (2017) and “Mr. Mercedes” Season 3 (2019).  Yeah, I know that last one isn’t a feature film, but it’s a program of truly cinematic quality.  “Mr. Mercedes” has been the best kept secret in Stephen King fandom — no, its antagonist isn’t as flashy as Pennywise the Clown or The Gunslinger’s various nemeses.  But it’s a gorgeous adaptation of a King novel that might even be better than its source material.  Check it out, seriously — skip “American Horror Story” if you have to.

There are two movies I need to get to that have been recommended to me with a lot of enthusiasm.  The first is “In the Mouth of Madness,” 1994’s H.P. Lovecraft adaptation starring Sam Neill.  (I actually started it a few years ago after a friend in New York urged me to, but it just didn’t hold my interest.)  The second is 2001’s “Shadow of the Vampire,” which features Willem Dafoe doing Nosferatu.  (I only discovered just now writing this that John Malkovich portrays F.W. Murnau.)

I’ll tell you something else, too — I’ve checked out one or two short films on the free ALTER channel and they’ve been terrific.  Maybe I’m due for another visit there.

 

7152087410030557161

I might just dress as Rudy Giuliani this Halloween.

The costume will scare the shit out of any crooks who think I’ll accidentally implicate them.

 

800px-Rudy_Giuliani_2019

Photo credit: By Amazinggena – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=77474912

“GOOD EVENING, FRAULEIN.”

I know this is a childish comparison to make, but does anyone else look at acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney and totally see Toht from 1981’s “Raiders of the Lost Ark?”

 

 

 

 

Throwback Thursday: “Kingdom of the Spiders” (1977)!

“Kingdom of the Spiders” (1977) was yet another 70’s bug-apocalypse flick that aired from time to time on 1980’s television.  As I recall, this one was kinda good … or at least it was scary enough to impress me as a grade-school kid.  The movie wisely made use of a truly frightening adversary (and used live tarantulas for filming).  And it had the kind of jarring, open-ended final scene that I hadn’t seen before for a sci-fi/horror film.

The only thing that detracted from its creep-factor was the presence of William Shatner as the lead.  It wasn’t that Shatner did a poor job with the role — it was just that he was indelibly linked in my young mind to his iconic role in the original “Star Trek” (1966-1969).  I simply couldn’t get past the idea that Captain Kirk was an ordinary veterinarian; it took me out of the movie.  I’m willing to bet that Shatner was helming the cop drama “T.J. Hooker” (1982-1986) at around the time that I saw “Kingdom of the Spiders,” but that was a show I didn’t watch.

Anyway, if you want to catch the flick in its entirety, you can find the whole thing over at Youtube right here.

 

MV5BZmY4Yjk4M2MtMTUyYi00YWNmLTkxNmMtY2M3N2Y2NzU2MGM4XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNjUwMzI2NzU@._V1_SY1000_CR0,0,687,1000_AL_