Tag Archives: Eric Robert Nolan

More vintage Christmas card weirdness.

Here is another of those strange vintage Christmas cards that I talked about yesterday.  If you wander around Pinterest or Wikimedia Commons, you’ll see that people from generations past often had a sense of humor that is as weird as the average meme-make today.  The card below dates from the Victorian era, and serves as an example of a greeting card that features a brief, bizarre, rhyming poem.

It also illustrates what seems to me to be a common trope.  Vintage holiday cards (which appear to include those for Thanksgiving and New Year’s) often feature the same common subjects that their designers deemed both funny and festive.  These include baby chicks (cute enough), dirigibles (because … blimps are interesting?) and frogs (huh?).

Anyway … the frogs you see upended below are actually serving up a parable to the reader.  (They slipped on the ice, you see, because they disobeyed their mother’s wishes.)  Soooooo, this card was meant for children?  Or … adults with a dark sense of humor who enjoy laughing at frogs’ injuries?

Also … they’re carrying pipes.  How old are these disobedient frogs?

 

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Because nothing says “Merry Christmas” like an undead woolly mammoth speaking in verse while cupids try to kill it.

Vintage Christmas cards are nuts, as anyone who’s ever gone down that particular Kafka-esque rabbit hole will tell you.  If you do a simple Google image search, you can see that our supposedly dignified forebears evidently toked up a lot around the holidays, whether it was on opium or bathtub gin or cocaine-fueled Coca-Cola or sassafras or whatever.

This might be the weirdest one yet.  The card below dates from 1912, and actually features a handwritten, rhyming poem –a lot of these antique holiday cards feature short, peculiar, rhyming poems; it was almost a folk-art genre unto itself.

Anyway, you’ll see that the poem below describes a woolly mammoth being excavated, and then … resurrecting or something.  (Or is this its ghost?)  The prehistoric animal has a creepy (though quaint and nicely vivid poem) addressing his saviors.  I’m pretty sure it’s about women’s suffrage, though I’m not sure whether it’s for or against.  I’m leaning toward the latter.  The poem gets harder to read toward the end, but … does it describe the female animals leading the males “meekly” to their long-ago death and entombment in the ice?  (And the author’s position is sort of implied by the one-word query, “Suffragette?” circled and written in blood-red letters.)

There are two cupids endeavoring to kill this unholy animal; you can find them in the top corners.  Because it’s a zombie, they are wisely aiming for its head.

“Merry Christmas,” in other words.

What is sassafras, exactly, anyway?  I can honestly you that I do not know for sure.

 

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I know that this is childish for me to go on about. (But when has that ever stopped me before?)

The trees in Melania Trump’s new White House Christmas display are BLOOD-red.  They’re like something out of the film adaptations of Clive Barker’s “Hellraiser” books. They look like they’re metal frames layered with webs of human capillaries.

It’s a Pinhead Christmas.

(I’m so sorry you have to put up with such weirdness when you visit this blog.  You people put up with a lot, seriously.  But I watch a lot of horror movies, okay?)

[Update: an alumna of mine just piped in — “It is a pinhead Christmas in more ways than one.”  Well played, Madam.]

 

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A cooling, gray Grandin day.

Grandin Village in Roanoke, Virginia. November 2018.

Pictured is Grandin Road.

 

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Throwback Thursday: “Movie Monsters,” by Alan Ormsby (1975)

Alan Ormsby’s “Movie Monsters” was a 1970’s children’s book that wound up in my young hands by the start of the 1980’s.  I suspect that my older brother must have ordered it at school from Scholastic Books (remember them and their in-school sales bulletins?)  So by the time it filtered down to me, it already had the “big kid” book mystique in addition to featuring monsters — I was pretty enamored with it even before I sat down and read it through.

And it was a gem.  God, I loved this book.  (And I wish I’d happened across this on the Internet before Halloween, which was less than a month ago.)

There was a nice rundown of each the major Universal Studios monsters, in language that was easily comprehensible to a young kid.  And that was the first time I’d gotten a complete and detailed picture of the movies.  (They were well before my parents’ time.  And even today, I’m surprised to realize I can’t remember seeing any of Universal’s Gothic monster classics on television.  I’m really only getting started on them now, in my 40’s.)

There was a section of the book devoted to how a kid could create monster makeup out of common household substances, like … vegetable oil?  Baking soda?  Flour?  I forget.  [Update: it was corn starch!  No wonder my costumer friend laughed at me when I told her about this book and told her it suggested corn syrup.]  There might have been food coloring involved too; I really can’t remember.

And there was another section devoted to monster-themed magic tricks, as well as the script for a play that you could put on in the backyard.  Damn, this book stimulated my imagination.  I remember reading about Lon Chaney and Lon Chaney, Jr. and wanting to be them.

Other 70’s and 80’s kids remember this book too.  “Mr. Karswell” at the “and everything else too” blog has uploaded a bunch of pages from it; you can find them right here.  And there’s another neat rundown by George McGowan over here at “Collecting Classic Monsters.”

There’s actually another book like this that I’d love to run down and post about — “Movie Monsters From Outer Space.”  That one, I think, was published in the early 80’s, but that generic title makes it a bit hard to hunt down via Google.  If anybody out there has any links or more info about it, I’d be grateful if you sent it my way.

 

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The End

(It’s worse than the “Gilligan’s Island” theme.)

That awkward moment when you’re arguing with a Trump supporter online about a false dichotomy, and you type “Hillary’s hypothetical guilt does not exonerate Donald.”

And then it gets stuck in your head, because it sounds like the start of the most weird-ass haiku ever.

 

 

 

“The lion’s mouth whose hunger/ No metaphors can fill?”

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“NOW YOU WILL WITNESS THE TRUE POWER OF DECEMBER 25TH!!”

Are any of you guys seeing what I am seeing with Melania Trump’s new White House Christmas display?

 

 

 

 

 

“Ode To Insomnia,” by Eric Robert Nolan

O, Insomnia!
I thought I’d lost you,
You reappearing keeper of sleeplessness,
You ever awakening angel,
You fickle little midnight affliction …
(Seriously, though, &*#% you.)

 

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The Bees Are Dead features my poem “school shooter”

Now here is something to be thankful for.  My colleagues over at The Bees Are Dead have graciously published my poem, “school shooter.”  (This poem last appeared in the Peeking Cat Anthology 2018.)  You can find it at the link below.

Thanks, B.A.D. people.  😉

“school shooter” at The Bees Are Dead