Breaking news — the president released his own early design for his planned border wall, complete with its moat filled with alligators and snakes.
Details will follow shortly after presidential nap-time.
Tag Archives: humor
*&@#. NOW I’M A DUTCH SCHOOLBOY.
Update: I’m referring to the result of a haircut. I haven’t been the victim of a spell that magically transformed me into a Dutch schoolboy.
Update 2: “I SPILLED SNERT IN MY STROOPWAFEL, HEADMASTER.”
Update 3: “Hey, Girl. Wanna go out sometime? We can go Dutch.”
Update 4: DUTCH DO IT.
Update 5: I got a response to this last night from someone I think is a real, actual Dutch person. She writes: “Can you just ride my bike and Presto I’m there. Hash tag lazy American omg do you have tequila.”
I’m … I’m not even sure what all of that means, but it sounds fun.
I might just dress as Rudy Giuliani this Halloween.
The costume will scare the shit out of any crooks who think I’ll accidentally implicate them.
Photo credit: By Amazinggena – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=77474912
“GOOD EVENING, FRAULEIN.”
I know this is a childish comparison to make, but does anyone else look at acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney and totally see Toht from 1981’s “Raiders of the Lost Ark?”
FILE PHOTO: Director of the Office of Management and Budget Mick Mulvaney speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) at National Harbor, Maryland, U.S., February 24, 2018. REUTERS/Joshua Roberts/File Photo – RC19789AFEF0
A pal of mine actually ate this last night.
Because there is no god, and because life is a stupefying, interminable Kafkaesque nocturnal hellscape.
Hey, I generally love Ben & Jerry’s. It’s an awesome brand. But Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream combines two of the very worst things in the universe — into a new and confusing amalgam of horror. (Anyone who knows me will tell you that I abhor all things pumpkin-flavored. And I’ve harbored a private loathing of cheesecake since college — there’s a weird story behind that.)
So, for me, this is like taking two things that cannot possibly be worse, and yet somehow making them worse via cruel combination. Like maybe a giant spider that also has gonorrhea. Or maybe Donald Trump singing an entire Whitney Houston album.
Remember that fish entree I showed you that looked like “Pumpkinhead?” I would rather eat that than this.
My friend gave me a permission to post this picture only if I said it was delicious. I lied to her.
Making up memes isn’t my strong point, but I still have fun with it.
What do you think?
PORTRAIT OF DORIAN GRAY.
I am SO sorry. I know these jokes are terrible even as I write them. Somebody should take this computer away from me.
What’s the most Gen-X thing you’ve ever done?
There is a thread on Twitter asking people to comment, “What’s the most GenX thing you did?” It’s a riot — check it out.
These are my responses:
- I brought a typewriter to my freshman year at Mary Washington College.
- I stood in line outside the registrar’s office to register for classes. I once had to camp out there overnight so that I could be first in line, because there was only one spot left in a course I really needed. My girlfriend brought me snacks.
- I walked to air-conditioned “computer pods” in a designated academic building when a computer was required to properly format term papers.
- I had a 5-disc CD player that could play songs at random, and I filled it with U2, Nirvana, Depeche Mode and Pearl Jam. I marveled at how cool this advanced technology made me.
- I wore a jean jacket.
- I wore fluorescent clothes and went to raves.
- I’ve watched every Kevin Smith movie at least twice.
Thanks a bunch, folks!
Thanks to all the people who sent me the very kind (and occasionally quite funny) birthday wishes!!
You guys are a swell group and I luv ya!!!!
“Eric: Portrait of a Serial Spiller”
Dammit.
If you look closely, you can see that I spilled both the coffee and the milk.
[Update: I just sat down and tried to eat cereal with a fork, and now I’m looking for someone to blame.]
