That awkward moment when you’re arguing with a Trump supporter online about a false dichotomy, and you type “Hillary’s hypothetical guilt does not exonerate Donald.”
And then it gets stuck in your head, because it sounds like the start of the most weird-ass haiku ever.
Are any of you guys seeing what I am seeing with Melania Trump’s new White House Christmas display?
… disguised as the Punisher.
LOOK AT THOSE ABS. (Actually, don’t. I look terrible. I’m shaped like a Dunkin’ Donuts “Munchkin.” But I’m equally as sweet! And it’s lines like that that get me all the girls! Actually, no. They don’t.)
Pal of mine right here in Roanoke saw this on Facebook and commented, “body designed by White Castle, not Frank Castle.” That pithy sonovabitch. Southerners!
Anyway, if those of us undermining America’s greatness want to illegally vote multiple times, we must fool this plucky president and his astute followers. Let’s hope the disguise holds up.
But do I employ a British accent or not!?!? DAMMIT, SOROS SHOULD HAVE TRAINED ME BETTER FOR THIS.
Chime in, people, and do hurry; I have a hybrid bus full of illegal caravan refugees who want to vote too. And the bus is blocking a church entrance.
So Trump is reportedly headed to California during the catastrophic wildfires?
I’m pretty sure that’s just adding fool to the fire.
Somehow, somewhere, my name has inadvertently wound up on a list of cancer researchers.
I am receiving polite queries from researchers all over the world about my “work.” I keep having to apologize for being a poet and wishing people in Europe and Asia the best of luck in their studies.
I got a “C” in freshman level biology, people. I didn’t always listen well. And, during experiments, I kept spillin’ stuff.
Or is it just more evidence that I have too much time on my hands?
I made a Twitter account a while back with the name “It,” and with a profile picture of the shapeshifting, deadly phantom from “It Follows” (2014).
I’ve tweeted absolutely nothing. But, true to the monster’s modus operandi, I am silently “following” randomly selected people on Twitter.
It’s only horror movie fans, who I think will get the joke, along with various horror websites and directors. I did take care to follow each cast member of the truly superb film itself. It looks like star Daniel Zovatto even followed me back.
Happy Halloween, people.
Me: “No.”
“But you look like one!” [He’s been staring at me with his mouth agape for at least seven minutes.]
Me: “James Woods.”
“Is he on TV?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
“Who?”
Me: “James Woods.”
Clerk at counter (joking): “Ohhhhh, Mr. Woods. So nice of you to visit us today. Don’t worry — we won’t tell anyone your secret.”
At this point in my life, I’d be disappointed if this didn’t happen at least once every couple of months.
My friend made eggs this morning that look like the martian from 1953’s “War of the Worlds.”
CHANGE MY MIND.
Pal: “These ducks deliberately walked in front of my car and refused to move. They stared me down even when I drove up really close and honked, whereupon they SHOOK THEIR HEADS at me. I finally had to back up and go around. ‘Humiliated by ducks’ is not really how I saw the day going.”
Me: “Sounds like you were the victim of some pretty fowl harassment. And that one bird facing you looks like he has zero ducks to give.”
Eric Robert Nolan, Author 