Somehow, somewhere, my name has inadvertently wound up on a list of cancer researchers.
I am receiving polite queries from researchers all over the world about my “work.” I keep having to apologize for being a poet and wishing people in Europe and Asia the best of luck in their studies.
I got a “C” in freshman level biology, people. I didn’t always listen well. And, during experiments, I kept spillin’ stuff.
Or is it just more evidence that I have too much time on my hands?
I made a Twitter account a while back with the name “It,” and with a profile picture of the shapeshifting, deadly phantom from “It Follows” (2014).
I’ve tweeted absolutely nothing. But, true to the monster’s modus operandi, I am silently “following” randomly selected people on Twitter.
It’s only horror movie fans, who I think will get the joke, along with various horror websites and directors. I did take care to follow each cast member of the truly superb film itself. It looks like star Daniel Zovatto even followed me back.
Happy Halloween, people.
Me: “No.”
“But you look like one!” [He’s been staring at me with his mouth agape for at least seven minutes.]
Me: “James Woods.”
“Is he on TV?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
“Who?”
Me: “James Woods.”
Clerk at counter (joking): “Ohhhhh, Mr. Woods. So nice of you to visit us today. Don’t worry — we won’t tell anyone your secret.”
At this point in my life, I’d be disappointed if this didn’t happen at least once every couple of months.
My friend made eggs this morning that look like the martian from 1953’s “War of the Worlds.”
CHANGE MY MIND.
Pal: “These ducks deliberately walked in front of my car and refused to move. They stared me down even when I drove up really close and honked, whereupon they SHOOK THEIR HEADS at me. I finally had to back up and go around. ‘Humiliated by ducks’ is not really how I saw the day going.”
Me: “Sounds like you were the victim of some pretty fowl harassment. And that one bird facing you looks like he has zero ducks to give.”
Indiana State Board of Health Monthly Bulletin. Artist undetermined.
Public servants in 1912 were a weird bunch. (Although I’m not sure that Betsy DeVos and Jeff Sessions are a huge step up.)
(And bear in mind I did my laundry a day ago.)
1) Yesterday’s wet socks.
2) I dropped candy in there? Can candy go bad?
3) Surreptitious raccoon habitat.
4) The existential decay from all my dead dreams.
5) Because Mark Zuckerberg is monetizing this somehow.
6) Dragons.
7) I unknowingly share it with an invisible gangrened lumberjack.
8) Tucker Carlson’s dead goddam soul.
9) THERE IS NO CLOSET. (The Matrix has me.)
10) Polonium.
11) The ghost of a wet dog that died in a fit of depression long, long ago.
12) The writers for “The Walking Dead” stashed their latest script in there.
… no evil shall escape my sight!
Let those who worship evil’s might
beware my power–Green Lantern’s light!”
Pictured is one flippin’ AWESOME 40th birthday present!! (And thank you again to the amazing pal who got it for me.) To quote Guy Gardner, “I could kick ol’ Goldface’s butt with this!” (C’mon … you all know I am Hal Jordan guy and not a … Guy guy.” Even if that Ice was always a lot cuter than Carol Ferris.)
46th. It was my 46th birthday. No matter how many times I type that, I’ll never get used to it.
“Barack Obama your an Ass clown. Sit down and shut up!! You [expletive] traitor!!!” — seen on a Trump supporter’s wall.
I have four thoughts:
1) He may be an ass clown, but I’ll bet he knows the difference between “your” and “you’re.”
2) You can tell he’s a traitor because he uses full sentences. THAT’S THE CODE THAT THE LIBERAL INTELLECTUALS USE.
3) Snowflake.
4) Wouldn’t it be amazing if he could run against Trump in 2020 and defeat him? (Yes, I realize the Constitution prohibits it.) Imagine the mileage we could get out of the inevitable “Black is the new orange” joke.
I have a counter-protest idea for conservatives who are angry with Colin Kaepernick.
Just bring your American flag to a Neil Young concert and wave it all night long.
In other words, flag before the Neil.
Eric Robert Nolan, Author 