— That awkward moment when you are texting a woman and you try to text “LOL you are too much” and it autocorrects to “Lola you ate too much.”
— That awkward moment when the clerk says “Whattya been up to, Big Daddy?” and you answer “Nothing much,” except she was talking to her boyfriend who walked in behind you.
Yeah, tonight’s a winner. Maybe this is proof that Friday the 13th is actually a thing.
I can’t be the only person who’s thought of this. It’s been bugging me since I first saw the footage of Donald Trump throwing paper towels to people in Puerto Rico.
Doesn’t it remind you of villain Max Shreck throwing presents to Gothamites in “Batman Returns” (1992)? It’s at .15 in the clip below.
Those flying white-faced goddam circus freaks near the end of the scene could be his cabinet members. Jeff Sessions could fly that high if somebody threw him, right?
Somebody toss some paper towels at me.
That’ll help.
You can see the ominous great sable shape of the moon as it slowly encroaches waiiiiiiiiiiiiiitaminute that’s my giant white nerd head about to obscure the sun. Sorry.
(You can tell by the glasses.)
He’s got 99 problems, but a liche ain’t one.
Friend: “Gotta love Facebook. Less than 6 hours to find my dog. 🙂 )
Me: “Your dog opened a Facebook account?! That’s amazing!”
Guys, please do not view the solar eclipse tomorrow without the ISO-certified eclipse-viewing glasses. You could go blind.
Do not allow any children to view the eclipse without the special glasses. (Wouldn’t a lot of kids just ignore adults’ advice and watch an eclipse unprotected anyway, especially if their eyes don’t hurt when they first look at it? I was that kind of kid.)
Sunglasses are not a substitute. I’m a little confused by what I’ve read so far online about taking pictures, but I understand you should not be looking at the eclipse through a camera or a smartphone camera either.
I don’t know why this whole thing has me acting like such a mother hen on the Internet, seriously. But here we are.
If your eyes aren’t protected, MARION, DON’T LOOK AT IT.
If it doesn’t start raining frogs on Tuesday, I’m going to be very disappointed.
And the apocalypse will be especially depressing given how happy and unified our country is today.
Who invented pumpkin spice latte? Gonna tear that mother****er’s statue down.
So I’ve been ransacking the cooler at my local Dunkin’ Donuts a lot lately, looking for just the right novelty bottle. Because I am an emotionally disturbed 44-year-old man, with too much time on my hands, and not much in the way of an actual agenda.
This is what my search efforts recently labored to produce. I plopped it down, looked the girl at the counter directly in the eye, and belted out, “LEEROOOOOOOOOOOOY JENKINS!!!”
She looked at me as though I had just demonstrated severe mental illness, like maybe I had addressed her as “Mom,” or tried to pay for my soda with cotton swabs or something.
Is the joke that old? Is the reference too obscure?
I feel certain she knew I was not simply crooning my own real name. I look and sound so much like a New Yorker that I cannot possibly pass for a “Leroy.” Probably not even a “Jenkins.”
Oh, well. YOU people get me.
Eric Robert Nolan, Author 